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minipisi-is-dumb · 1 year ago

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hai, sorry to bother, but what exactly is giftedness? i dont think i trust google on it and id rather hear about it from someone who's gifted. is it like being a genius or something?

hiii thanks for asking about it!!! and sure lemme tell ya

it's a bit lengthy sorry

ill briefly explain the symptoms and then other extra stuff, thanks so much for asking, not a lot of people know about it :)

giftedness is a form of neurodivergent condition/neurodivergency or however you call it, that is characterized by asynchronous development between intelectual and "chronological" growth

an easy way to explain it (even if the theory is disproven so it's just as example) is how people see mental ages

you might be chronologically 15, but intellectually, your needs are those of a 19 y/o and emotionally your regulation is that of a 13 y/o. that's what asynchrony means essentially

the current "official" way to diagnose people is through iq tests, they're not always specific and is usually in a margin of error, but if it's a legit test and not one of those online, is used to measure the amount of connections your brain has. of course the results may vary if you have more than one neurodivergency or you have a mental illness. it's always important to discuss it with your doctor!

the more connections u have per braincell → the faster processing you got. the amount of connections is measured by iq number

the criteria for being diagnosed is simply getting 130 or more in the iq test, there's different types of depth to giftedness as a condition, just like there're different symptoms and levels of depth for autism, but that's the beauty of it isn't it

and contrary to what you might think, fast processing can be very difficult, it feels like your brain goes faster than you all the time you are asked a question, say, in a test, and you just know the answer! that's it, you can't explain it even to yourself. your brain "skips" steps to get to a conclusion since we don't have a linear way of thinking, or you make connections at the moment that somehow end up making sense all the time and you don't even realize it. it's overwhelming

other important symptoms are similar to other nds like autism or adhd like being able to hyperfocus, stimming or sensory sensitivity, but there are some different ones like latent inhibition deficit

latent inhibition deficit (you can google it for better understanding) it's basically not being able to prioritize the information you recieve

have you ever found yourself in a restaurant or a crowded space, and even if there's a lot of talking and music, eventually you "forget about it" and stop paying attention to it since it's not important? That's latent inhibition!!! your brain can filter information, wether is sensory or cognitive and ignore whatever it doesn't see as important

my brain can't, I am always listening to the music, the people talking in the room, small changes in smell, sound or how too many colors confuse me and give me migraine, my brain cannot "filter" importance in it, so it pays attention to everything and sees it all as important since it perceives it as one whole thing

connecting most of the stuff around you or "seeing the big picture" always is very normal, feeling like everything is happening at the same time simultaneously and you can't just pick and choose is the best way I can describe it

we also have overexcitabilities!!! that is a bit long to explain but you can google it

here's a very useful explanation that also mentions giftedness, since the term was created from studying our behavior

here's my favorite talk about the topic, I watched it years after being diagnosed and it explains it very well, the woman giving the talk is gifted herself and works in gifted education programs too!

she also has a talk about overexcitabilities!!

I really like this image because it is a quick way to see some basic symptoms, is not the be all of it but you can get a general idea compared to autism and adhd, since there's more info about them around

Alright we done w that

the BIGGEST misconception about giftedness is that it is just good grades, it's a complex condition just like any other! adhd is not "just getting distracted", autism is not "just being socially awkward" and giftedness is not "just being a genius"

I cannot stress enough how grades have nothing to do with giftedness , in fact, most gifted people end up dropping school or college since it never fits fully fits our educational needs

giftedness and academic achievement are not inherent to one another, you can be neurotypical and have good and bad grades too, it doesn't matter really . it could be a clue for some, where good grades might lead a parent to take the test, but the results are not there just because of grades or high achievement rate

now we need to talk kinda quickly abt ableism and how the concept of iq was originally created to stigmatize non-white races, women and neurodivergent conditions

the first people to coin the term for iq were (shocker) rich white men who liked the idea of being smarter than everyone else

however, the arbitrary measurement used to discriminate towards people on the bases of iq started to change it's perspective

we know NOW that there's a lot more than "just genius" and is a complex condition people like me live without, but the subconscious idea of high iq being something that makes you ""superior "" is still around due to it's origins and lack of common knowledge. the stigma about telling other people you're gifted is huge, people change the way they percieve you, they change the way they treat you, or at best you seem like an egocentric superb who thinks they're better than everyone

it's sorta how being a narcissist is used as an insult or to demonize the actual condition instead of people actually understanding what it is to have npd? kinda that. if you call yourself gifted you're basically doomed to be the egocentric one

and languages outside of english don't make it better.

for Spanish (my native language) even though we have one of the best resources imo for giftedness (the book "¿Demasiado Inteligente para ser feliz?") we also have the term "superdotado" that translated roughly means "super gifted". not doing much for the "we're literally people and not inhumane geniuses" part

but UGHHHH I kinda think that's most of my base info for u, I am SO happy you're interested, I have a little giftedness tag you can look at, and there's also gifted-centered blogs around this site

thanks for reading!!!

#minipisi.txt #giftedness #minipisi.asks #neurodivergency #neurodivergent #actually gifted

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hei-ch0u · 4 years ago

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It’s long...(fair warning) ✰

Shingeki no Kyojin 139 (Theories)

Since everyone is throwing around their theories from the wild to the more likely, I thought I should contribute. After all, it will be the last time we can theorise this amazing manga full of all its twists and turns. Like most, I do agree with the popular fan theories simply because this manga is consistently unpredictable with each chapter. Let’s face it, some stories are easily picked apart these days and finding one that continuously has you thinking about what could occur is a winning tale. So first, I will start off by saying that I am so sad that Shingeki no Kyojin is coming to an end. But! I will never forget this amazing manga as I have grown so attached to the characters and the story as you can tell from the past nearly 9 years of running this blog. So, thank you yams for being such a genius! Regardless of the ending, it will go down in history as one of the best stories I personally have ever read and witnessed.

With typical fan theories, I won’t go into them too much as I feel the concept of the “time loop” has been written about to filth and I think it is very blatantly clear at this point that the concept of a time loop is very likely in one way or another given the overall concept within aot/snk in general - there is a obvious manipulation of past, present and future. I will hold my hands up and say that I definitely do agree with ‘some’ popular fan theories and will list a fair few below in brief detail - as I do think they are highly likely to be true in some way or at least implied within the last chapter. Now, with the usual leak dates coming up on the horizon, I wanted to put my input in before hand. Although, because of recent prosecution warnings for leaking the final chapter - I would advise others just to wait for the 9th of April on official release for concrete facts rather than speculations and leaks simply because we have seen with past few chapters that a lot of false spoilers get released and I think with the final chapter it would be wise to wait as I have previously stated on here that it will be the ‘revelation’ chapter that ties this manga together.

So! With the typical fan theories, we see the likes of:

Eren being the baby daddy to Historia’s baby

Eren sacrificing his reason for living - freedom. By being the greater evil to bring about the greater good

The baby itself could become the new beast titan or baby Eren/Ymir reborn

Eren isn’t dead, but on Paradis by way of transferring his subconscious into a crystallised version of himself

Eren and Ymir have struck a deal

And of course - the time loop concept

…The list is endless of popular fan theories. It would be silly not to agree with any of them given the story and where we are currently at, its very clear that Historia, Eren and Ymir will play a big part somehow in the final chapter (if not id be genuinely shocked) since majority of the past few chapters they have been absent in full form and I feel this needs to be explained. After all we still haven’t seen the full extent of the memories of past/future that Eren was aware of from his contact with Historia and his connection with Ymir in Paths. We saw 137 being predominantly Armin based, 138 being Mikasa based and I think it is only reasonable given his absence as the initial protagonist that Eren will be the revelation within 139. Ultimately culminating EMA / the trio as a whole. We began with them, so it only makes sense to end with them (albeit separately as individuals).

Moving on, as you can see I agree with said fan theories as I think any route could be possible! The thing with Shingeki no Kyojin is that it has many hidden ‘Easter eggs’ (how fitting given its easter), whether it be in the background of scenes, characters wording, placement of scenes/characters, flashbacks, paths and even in the opening and ending credits of the anime we see hidden meanings through imagery. It has all been laid out very well for our finding, its just if we have an intuitive enough imagination to pick it apart and figure things out. This leads on to my own theory/theories (it can go any way and I wont sugarcoat it - I could be reaching)

I generally have 2 theories that run about in my head with how the story itself could turn out or how it works. Both theories kind of tie together in one way or another featuring predominantly Eren and then Mikasa or overall ‘Ackerman’ blood/gene concept and its potential involvement in control of said time loop. I will do my best to include manga panels to give visual insight to the points.

To begin, I want to touch on Mikasa's “dream” in 138 - although devastating, I think it is being taken as the opposite of what it was and personally I see many looking at it through rose tinted glasses. This wasn’t an alternative universe (in my opinion), this was Mikasa’s Ideal life - her dream. When it comes to Eren as a connection to Mikasa, he is her reason for being, even in death she chooses not to part with him for her own good and creates a dreamlike reality for herself to make herself go through with the deed. She as a character has dominantly surrounded her existence on Eren, he is categorised many times within the manga as ‘home’ - like other fan theories have stated, it has been mentioned many times Mikasa referencing the word ‘home’ and also how she wants to ‘be close to him’ because it gives her comfort and strength. The Ackermans as a whole have attachments to people and this is where they ultimately gain strength from. Without any of the Ackermans ‘attachments’ being in danger or being killed, their powers wouldn’t be awakened and without them I feel their strength almost weakens until they find a new reason for living to keep moving forward. I’ll touch more on the ‘Ackerman’ theory later as its one of the open loopholes still currently alive within the manga.

Mikasa has always been a character that confuses me, particularly with the way she acts and things she says or thinks. She has said many things that don’t make sense unless she has a certain belief system or knows of things from past lives.

Examples:

As you can see and I will produce more evidence of such comments further in. She implies that she either believes in reincarnation or she is aware of different periods within the said time loop. She speaks of starting over, being dead and returning and implies in different ways that she is scared of the same thing happening again. The last panel - what plan is she on about here? Her own plan. In my opinion it is - "Don't let Eren die". As we have seen, that may be what has to happen. It's fate. She interferes with this and never lets him go.

Mikasa does have an unhealthy bond with Eren, I do think he loves her ( I’m not dismissing that ) but do I think its the type of intense love she feels? no. Some things she has came out with has even shocked other characters and countless times her comrades have tried to ‘break the barrier’ to get her to realise her way of thinking when it comes to Eren is unhealthy. Hence why I think we seen Jean in this particular scene below so frustrated

not because he himself has feelings for her, but because she’s not letting them get through to her that she is refusing to believe Eren could ultimately be a changed person (which he definitely is, I’ll not go into my rant of why he isn’t ‘evil or a ‘monster’ because i’ve done so already) but overall, Mikasa constantly makes excuses for Eren and doesn’t recognise it, her life revolves around being close to Eren and she gets very emotionally troubled at the idea of not being with him or him ultimately taking a path that doesn’t involve her. We even seen Annie question her and this wasn't many chapters ago and she replies with the same mindset of bringing back "the old Eren". He is not the person he once was particularly as a child. Something that is implied at beginning of manga, it opens with them as children and somehow links with 138.

As stated by Armin below we see him even explaining to Mikasa that Eren’s never close, he always takes his own route and that ultimately both Armin and Mikasa aren’t his reason for living. Let’s face it - Freedom is Eren’s reason for being, his only desire. Armin has also expressed disbelief and almost frustration at her way of thinking when it comes to him (below examples) I think in a way the famed ‘table scene’ was Eren trying to break the bond, but he’s not doing that for no reason, its implied he does it to protect them, but it could also be because of what he has seen in memories past and future - he has perhaps became aware of Mikasa’s involvement within paths and the loop. He has to try to alter her way of thinking to protect her, but maybe also himself.

Armin + Other comrades reactions to Mikasa’s mindset

Another visual point to make regarding Mikasa’s ties with previous loops and Armin, was her comment made about him at a very early stage in the manga just after Eren had been eaten by a titan after saving Armin - leaving his fate at this point unknown.

this is implying that Mikasa has some knowledge of previous times Armin has helped them with his ‘ability’ which if we are referencing him as a character is his methodical intelligence. But, even here he is confused by the comment, simply because at this point there has been no signs of Armin’s usage of this ability - mainly fear and lack of confidence with that in comparison of his peers. We don’t necessarily see this until perhaps even a chapter later and as far as we are aware, Mikasa doesn't follow through with “i’ll tell you about it later”.

I don’t know about anyone else, but it seems odd she has such an attachment to Eren like this that is so intense. It’s not normal to be as intense as she is about someone unless she is used to losing that person over and over. Even as children Mikasa acted possessive over the ‘concept’ of Eren dying - it wasn’t allowed to happen. She doesn’t have this intense reaction with Armin or other comrades. She fixates on the idea of Eren being her saviour, the one to give her a ‘home’ and a ‘purpose’. Mikasa consistently opposes his death and his death alone, I can only see this from a standpoint that deep within her own memory she has experienced his death countless times before. She even uses force a couple of times to increase this intensity. Here are some examples of this even in childhood -

There are many more examples of this throughout the manga and her refusal to accept that what she doesn’t want, may just happen. Now this might just be my over active imagination or my own ability of media studies kicking in. But, previously I had been under the impression in the presence of a time loop that Eren was in charge of it and controlling it, that somehow it would constantly reoccur when he himself died and he would have to come up with a way to either prevent his death or ultimately stop the timeline of the titans. Whether that be under making a deal with Ymir herself or by essentially “breaking the wheel” and turning others against him to show Eldians as triumphant heroes.

However, the more i’ve thought about it and given the revelations of 138 - i would be more inclined to say it is Mikasa Ackerman herself due to either her specifically or her Ackerman gene. There is something about the bloodline that is missing and we have not had the fabled Ackertalk or much explanation of how they work (something I’d like to see covered in 139 - although i feel it will be an Eren chapter, I also think it will include the visions Eren has seen to give an explanation of why the previous 138 chapters played out the way they did)

I think there is a possibility Eren had to break the wheel on the loop, Mikasa would go back each time and always Eren would die, something we’ve established she tries to prevent and never accepts. The only escape was her accepting his death therefore he did everything he could to push her away, break the bond and push her to kill him to end the cycle (since he’s seen the future). As I have a hunch previously in other loops he was not killed by her hand - it had to be her to break the cycle or vice versa (but we will get to this).

there is hints of this in the “Lost Girls” OVA. Yes, I am aware it’s said that OVAS are not necessarily canon per say, but I don’t think it would have so many open links if Isayama himself didn't want it to. This particular one gives many hints to Mikasa’s involvement in the loop and alternative universe theories. The anime adaptations are on point with showing us details we only recognise after more plot points are revealed. It may explain the headaches, every time Eren dies, she reverses the loop or changes realities. This ailment could be a product of her memory issues. In the OVA we see Mikasa in real time thinking about Eren and his constant state of taking his own path.

After this moment, the said “Scene” she speaks of is revealed to us. Another example of Mikasa’s dreamlike state or perhaps another timeline? We are taken back to the time where she had given up, had ran out of gas, a titan was approaching and she was ‘lost’ - her reason for being was gone and she knew her death was coming, but also in the manga during this scene she is “worried” she’ll have to start again (above in examples). This again implies she knows something we don’t. We then hear Mikasa’s voice speaking to Mikasa herself, telling her that if she simply didn’t like this reality she could choose the place she wanted, but as we have seen before - she can’t stop his death.

The peculiar scene in this OVA that got me intrigued by this theory is the masked figure and young mikasa scene. Mikasa is rushing to meet with Eren and Armin to escape the walls in a hot air balloon, but she has to be there by a certain time or the plan fails. As she is running she is stopped by a mysterious masked figure who asks her to join in on his hypnotism trick to spectators. Comments he makes involve him telling her that her ‘friend’ will ultimately leave her and that she couldn’t accept his death and created this universe. Also, that he is no one, but someone at the same time. I think this holds great significance since the strange thing about this is that his voice mirages into a distant adult Mikasa.

implying that she has to ‘kill’ a part of herself or she has to die to prevent and hault the loop. She has to return from her idealistic dreams of keeping him alive as it will only fail otherwise. Upon hearing of Eren’s yet again untimely death within this universe, she begins to have memory flashes of multiple scenes appearing within her eyes with a typical media ‘rewind’ sound as she wakes up back in the street with no gas and a titan approaching but... she says something I find interesting and links to what Eren says at the beginning of the manga

“the feeling I’ve had a really long dream”

We witness Mikasa have these “headaches” multiple times within the manga and in the anime they are heavily focused on whenever it happens, which we can only recognise that this is an important part of the story itself. Eren too has random headaches, just not as much as Mikasa, he mainly experiences them when he accesses new memories. However, what if Mikasa too is affected by memories she cannot tap into or it is paths/ackerman gene warning her she is repeating past mistakes?

Notice how there is a lot of emphasis on the word ‘again’ when it comes to her headaches or the thought of losing Eren. It is constantly repeated. I think it is highly likely she only remembers some parts from previous loops, but the one that sticks is simply - she has to save Eren each time, but fails. Everything begins again after his or her’s demise. Perhaps each time Eren is the one who dies first, creating a somewhat butterfly effect. That maybe Mikasa has died once like she implies in previous example. However, the one to die first (in this case primarily Eren) loses all memories of the past loops - again this is implied as Eren does tell Mikasa he cannot remember his dream. I think deep within his mind Mikasa does remember, but given the fact she has potentially reversed the outcome many times...her memory is simply warped - that or she died in the previous loop and lost those components.

Will she not remember due to her memories being altered in her death?

Either way something needs to change. Eren Kruger says this in Eren’s attack titan memories. They are doing something wrong.

I believe Eren in 138 within Mikasa’s dream, was trying to tell her to move on, not necessarily forget him, but at least accept his passing - to stop the loop reoccurring, he influenced part of her reality...maybe with the help of Ymir. In a way it could be implied Eren almost regrets wrapping the scarf around her (this is heavily emphasised as a symbol of their relationship), for me the scarf seems like a softer symbolism for a chain - a binding if you will. By wrapping it round Mikasa he binds her to him. He has always insisted she should throw it away, even in 138 within her own conjured reality he says the same. She needs to kill this part of herself or “the same history” will be repeated. I do have a HUGE feeling in my heart, head and gut that Mikasa may need to end up dead first as I do have another HUGE feeling that Eren is not dead (maybe its wishful thinking, but his death doesn’t make sense right now, so Yams I trust in you for explanation). His death seemed too convenient.

Now, before I go onto “Ackerman” gene factors, I’ll briefly bring in another peculiarity I have always had about a particular scene in the beginning of the manga. After it is decided Eren will carry the boulder to plug the wall, Eren (the attack titan) seemingly loses control and succumbs to pure rage, in turn he attacks Mikasa. Something he hasn’t done against humans unless its free will.

However, a part of me has always felt that this could be the attack titan itself (in past inhabitants and memories) recognising her as a threat and trying to rid her of the world first to avoid the loop of Eren dying first to Mikasa controlling the loop to return to try to save Eren - nothing changes. This is what I meant by “breaking the wheel”, we have saw it in other tales, things can’t change unless you choose a different path than the same one with the same brutal cycle. As Kruger says, to save Mikasa and Armin, Eren has to change things - this could be to separate not only Armin, but Mikasa from him, that maybe in previous loops...they follow him. In this instance, he has definitely separated Armin and by way of second hand - Mikasa too. Hence why Ymir says goodbye to Eren in 138, he is free. Another notable concept is that aot/snk is made up of trios, we see it in:

Eren / Mikasa / Armin

Reiner / Bertholdt / Annie

Connie / Jean / Sasha

Hanji / Erwin / Levi

Levi / Farlan / Isabel

Kenny / Levi / Mikasa

It would partially make sense for the trio to be the reasoning for the ending. Almost illuminati based - very yams style.

Why not Mikasa?

Lets talk Ackerman and a slightly different theory, but with relation!

(Obviously, I cannot provide much evidence to support any Ackerman based theories other than what has already been provided, which isn’t a lot to be fair. Dammit Yams)

I want to briefly start off on the Ackerman front with a brief comparison of our two currently known Ackermans: Levi and Mikasa. The main categorising difference between these two is that Levi moves on regardless of what happens to him or his comrades or his ‘attachments’. He also does not appear to experience these headaches, some say he does, but I can’t find evidence. Isayama shows these headaches with a throbbing sign around Mikasa’s head - so unless the Ackertalk happens and Levi confirms it, its still absent in theory. Levi treats Ackerman-ism as moving on, making choices with no regrets (as his backstory indicates) and even in current states he has said he doesn’t regret his decisions. It is why he is able to move forward and keep surviving. Its simple...his mindset is stronger than Mikasa's, she is the weaker link. This could be due to age difference and overall past experience, Levi has more life experience as an Ackerman to have mastered his emotion and reactions to outcomes - he accepts the bad.

Mikasa is weaker in this regard, perhaps if you link it back to the theory of her control of the loop...due to this weakness she creates the loop since she can’t accept his death and tries to return to make amends. I think in reality, Eren knows due to the attack titan ability - he will die. Hence why he appeared so shocked upon making contact with Historia to then very depressed and detached before vanishing in Marley. He became aware of the outcome and I don’t know about anyone else, but I’d be depressed too after finding out my life was made to end especially since all he wanted as a character was Freedom. Eren x Freedom will be the only canon ship at this rate.

However, I do think the only way she can create said loop is through her Ackerman gene. Ackermans are products of ‘titan science’, they were genetically engineered (if you want to put it that way) to have titan like abilities while still maintaining their human form and sense of self being. Created to protect the Fritz family (royal blood), to eventually being ostracised for their dismissal of the plan to wipe Eldian’s memories. Therefore banished, but allowed to live, I can only see there being one reason why - they would be still useful at some point and their deaths/extinction would be wasteful.

From what we know and can tell from mere viewing, the Ackermans are very skilled and powerful beings that have ‘hosts’ or attachments (I like this name better) to channel their goals, strength and energy into. They were made to protect, fight and survive. The only surviving Ackermans are Levi and Mikasa.

They cannot be affected by the founding titan and their memories cannot be altered. But, this brings about another question. Why were they created to protect the founding titan, yet could not be controlled by it? The theory with this bloodline is that they can do more than what we see, that they themselves don’t know it yet. One in particular can alter realities - that being Mikasa (as we don’t have mass amounts of information on Levi’s experiences other than his surge of power awakenings demonstrated throughout the manga to confirm his part) due to fact Levi really only knew he was an Ackerman within his 30′s after the previous Ackerman - Kenny, dies and informs him of this. Mikasa has always been aware.

Mikasa’s ‘Power’ ultimately has something to do with the Attack Titan and the Founding titan - that being Eren and Ymir combined. In past loops, I believe each time she has seen Eren die she has said “see you later, Eren”... hence the ending of 138 and the beginning of the manga. Isayama did say the beginning would relate to the ending. Each time this happens they are transcended to the point Eren wakes up at the tree within the walls to begin once more, its the only clear explanation for why Eren comments of her hair length. The attack titan itself is the component of Ymir that captivates her freedom, it continues to move forward for 2000 years each successor until one has the power (the desire for freedom like her) to release her from enslavement to the power of the titans. In this instance Eren too has been a slave to the power, lets for arguments sake blame Grisha for passing it on to him.

Again, with the Ackermans there is something I’ve always noticed between Levi and Mikasa - they have never touched skin to skin. It has always been over their clothing. I wonder if their Ackerman powers may stem similar to how Eren draws memories from contact with the royal family, i.e. Historia. They need to touch in order to access Paths and manifest it into their control. Eren is aware of this due to his connection to Ymir - there is heavy implied material to denote the idea of Ragnarok and reincarnation. Eren is the reincarnate of Ymir and previously I don’t think they were aware of this.

For anyone not familiar with the term “Ragnorok” - its definition has multiple meanings in Norse mythology. Particularly - development, origin, cause, relation and fate. It is a series of events that often lead to a great battle, the deaths of multiple people of importance to the ultimate end revelation of the world being remade and fertile (the opposite of Zeke’s plan) with the remaining ‘gods’ returning and ‘two’ human survivors repopulating the world. I personally believe this to be either two of these: Levi and Mikasa or Eren and Historia by the way of Ymir as the ultimate god, but just in different ways. The Ragnorok element is particularly of importance within Germanic studies, this would connect with Shingeki no Kyojin since it is implied its set in early germany/europe and given characters name origins - it makes sense.

The two human survivors are that of Lif and Lifbrasir (shown below) who survive by ‘hiding’ in the woods while the great battle commences.

They repopulate the world starting with a daughter. In germanic regions, the concept of mankind originated from trees is an ancient notion “the tree of life” essentially. Trees have a massive importance and connection in Shingeki no Kyojin, we see Eren wake up at one in the beginning, the main Path coordinate resembles a tree, Ymir originated from trees and being within the woods would indicate “trees”. This would make me more inclined to believe the Eren and Historia theory to be likely, simply because Historia is all the way back in Paradis and potentially Eren himself by transferring subconscious. To me it seems very likely the leaked final panel released by Yams himself is Eren holding a child rather than anyone else as whoever this figure is tells the child they are free and this could only relate to both Ymir and Eren, the ones who sought freedom. This could mean in this instance Levi and Mikasa are the ‘gods’, the ones with the power to restore and mend, again through the concept of the Ackerman Gene being more than what meets the eye. Ymir will be reborn ultimately and no longer enslaved as will Eren.

Ragnarok and Shingeki no Kyojin combined have connotations of ‘fate’ being a big part of their depths. It is fated. Everything is. Just like Eren’s death and potentially ability to be reborn into another timeline. Just like Eren’s fate to obtain the founding titan and attack titan, both very powerful titans in the manipulation of time and events. Eren makes a statement around chapter 123 in Paths when talking with Zeke that if someone tried to take his freedom, no matter who, he would remove theirs. That he has been like that since birth because he was “born into this world”.

Zeke: “Since birth?”

this further implies fate. He was born free, he expresses detest for people who aren’t free and bound by something, 2000 years, Ymir etc. This only ties together if Eren himself in past lives was someone with the same views and personality traits, like Mikasa, except hers are the opposite. Paths has always been there and everything that has happened in the past is imbedded within its clutches through Ymir. These two titans needed to be combined, Grisha was informed by Eren himself through Kruger and future versions of himself that he had to obtain the founder or nothing could be changed. Grisha is even seen asking Eren to show him everything that happens, whether carla dies etc. He did not have full control, this was made for Eren’s inhabitant period and he did not have access to all memories due to only being able to access the ones the future successor sends back in time. Like the mirror scene for example, Eren is speaking to someone else, not himself. Grisha was only instructed to go within the walls and have a family. Eren was instructed to save everyone. Remember that the common rule with time is that you cannot change the past or it significantly alters the future.

I believe all the memories (the ones we are seeing even now) are actually in paths, the story has always had an indication it is being ‘narrated’ by someone - in most instances this is Armin. This has implied he will survive into the future, but that others may not. How this will happen...I can only theorise that Ymir will factor into who lives or dies. She will need to leave paths however, the only way the titan curse will end is if she leaves and no one is there to build titans. She will be either reborn to capture her freedom or reborn through Eren for them both to obtain the same dream. There has been multiple theories that some other titan other than the attack titan could be the key or another character, like that of the Ackermans or armin for example as I do think the trio concept is likely. But, remember the manga is called “Shingeki no Kyojin” meaning “the attack titan” - its always been the key and Eren is that key...again, key? Eren. scarf? Mikasa. Equals symbolism.

At the end of the day, the characters who I feel personally will tie together the ending are Eren, Ymir, Historia and Levi, Mikasa, Armin - both trios on different sides of the coin. Just remember, this isn’t the type of story where the characters get what they desire and that they could die without obtaining these desires. Erwin died before learning the truth of the outside world. Hanji died. Sasha died, Niccolo lost her. Floch did not live to see Eldian rule. Levi may have killed Zeke, but what for? He killed a different version of him, not the one who murdered innocents in Shinganshina. Levi lost every attachment of his. Mikasa lost Eren. I’d be angry and sad for him, but Eren also could lose his freedom by striking a deal with Ymir for her own freedom. But! he could free the world and his friends through both Mikasa and Armin, the chain will break, the titan curse will end and he will cease to exist or be lost in Paths dormant, unlike Ymir for 2000 years. This would be a good culmination of Eren’s character, extremely heart breaking, but fitting. A character who only sought freedom for humanity. He is humanity’s hope after all. Remember, Kaji Yuki (Eren’s Japanese voice actor) expressed extreme sadness at learning Eren’s fate from Isayama. It has always been a manga that indicates a bittersweet ending, so this could also be highly likely. (Eren is my favourite character...so this guts my heart from my chest)

To conclude, these are merely my own speculation of the final events within 139 and although sad of its ending, my excitement for this final instalment knows no bounds. I can only wish for the best and I know Isayama will deliver.

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npmjs · 5 years ago

Text

Next Phase Montage

tl;dr -- Good news!

npm, Inc., is being purchased by GitHub.

The public registry remains public, free, and as available as ever.

npm as you know it continues, and in fact, there is good reason to believe that it'll only get better.

I'm still going to be working on npm (but with the luxury of more resources and less stress).

I'm really excited about the stuff we're going to do.

It is customary for a founder, in the closing chapter of their startup, to ruminate in a blog post about their incredible journey1. When we founded npm, Inc., I knew that I was signing up for a post like this someday. I'm extremely thankful that this is the one I get to write2.

history and origin

Back in 2009, after too long without a vacation, I quit my job, in hopes of discovering what happens when I untether my creativity.

What happened is I wrote a package manager.

I created npm with the goal of sharing modules in a tiny group of nerdy weirdos who'd decided to write web servers in JavaScript. From that niche beginning, npm grew, slowly but surely, the background project I'd greedily steal away time for.

At the end of 2013, npm hit a rough spot and we had to make a decision. This was the first big bookmark in the npm story, when the project could no longer survive on donations. We made some slide decks and raised an amount of money that seemed enormous at the time, but inevitably got spent really fast.

the part where i talk about startups

Running a company is hard. It is grueling, unglamorous work.

I don't want to make it sound completely terrible. There are definitely a few awesome parts. But once is enough for me.

Throughout this journey, our north star has been the mission that we founded this company with: reduce friction in JavaScript software development.

I have a set of goals that I wrote down back then, and have shared openly with the team. They haven't changed much.

Keep the npm registry running forever (not only for the life of the company).

Be a company that we can all enjoy working at, and do the best work of our careers up until now.

Get a big enough exit that I can quit my job and see what comes out of me a second time.

Share the rewards equitably with the people who got npm to where it is.

There are few unmitigated successes or failures in the real world. But this is a win, and a good one, for me and the team and the entire JavaScript community.

We have made tremendous progress on (1), and that's the thing I'm happiest about in this. As far as (2), there's been ups and downs, to say the least, but the bright spots outshine the dark. I've lost some valued friendships in the process, but made a few as well. On (3), well, I'm still working a jobby job, but I always knew that was a long shot, and "make npm a better package manager" is a job I enjoy. And as for (4), I'm proud of the deals that we've been able to negotiate for the team.

It's not a kajillion billion dollar 10x startup cinderella story, and we've taken our hits, but in the end we've done right by our community, team, and careers, and I'm extremely proud of what we've achieved.

the part where i talk about the company buying us

One of the questions founders get asked a lot is "what might your exit look like?" I always mentioned the big tech companies as possibilities, and GitHub as a sort of "wishful thinking" option.

I've been following GitHub's trajectory closely since they came to Yahoo! to give a talk about git and social coding way back in 20093. It's been a huge part of my life ever since I dove head-first into open source as a lifestyle choice.

When I saw the GitHub Packages beta announcement and demo at GitHub HQ in San Francisco, I remember turning to Shanku Niyogi and clumsily blurting out, "Why aren't you trying to buy us?"

It seemed so maddeningly... obvious. Forget about whose logo is on which webpage, just... if you're going to do this thing, do it right, ffs. This clearly needs to be integrated with the actual registry in a very deep way. "I mean... You see that, right?" (I think he probably did. And if he didn't, then props to him for taking my reaction as flattery or a good idea, rather than condescension.)

What I didn't really expect at the beginning of the acquisition process was how much I'd genuinely like everyone I met at GitHub, starting with my initial conversations with Nat, as well as all the people on the team he's built. As we dug into the technical and strategic plans for how npm would fit into the vision of GitHub moving forward, it became clear that this isn't just a good option for the JavaScript community -- it's significantly better than what npm, Inc., can provide on its own.

There are not many companies that can claim to have the kind of fanatical commitment to open source that GitHub does. In the track record of Nat and the team he's assembled, there's really something special here that I'm thrilled to be a part of.

I've said countless times before that I wouldn't let the registry go someplace that won't take care of it. (See goal (1) above. I've sacrificed years of my life and put a strain on many personal and professional relationships in pursuit of that goal.)

As GitHub has branched out into other aspects of the end-to-end developer community experience, it's natural to see how the JavaScript package management process fits into that story. It's not a loss leader or an experimental add-on or a way to quickly hire a team. Rather, the npm registry is a significant and concrete strategic asset serving GitHub's mission of eliminating transaction costs in software development.

That's important.

the part about what comes next

Today, npm serves over 1.3 million packages to roughly 12 million developers, who download these things 75 billion times a month, and all of this is growing at a rate that ensures these massive numbers will seem small in a few years.

Our commitment to that community is to keep the npm registry free for open source development for the foreseeable future, and continue to improve the npm CLI. At GitHub, npm will have the added support and backing of one of the world's largest companies, behind the world's largest community of developers.

There are some awesome opportunities for improvement in the npm experience, to meaningfully improve life for JS devs in countless large and small ways. We'll be making things more reliable, convenient, and connected for everyone across our vast interdependent JavaScript ecosystem.

For six years, in the grind of a startup, we've had dreams too big to dare hope for. This next chapter is a chance to realize those dreams.

This is the end of "npm, Inc.", the Delaware C Corp. But it's an exciting upgrade for npm.

[1]: Reference joke Our Incredible Journey

[2]: It's also worth noting that GitHub allowed such a long, nuanced, and candid announcement as this one, and didn't push for a watered down corporate version. Cultural alignment is a good sign.

[3]: Check out the date on the post for that talk. Then note the date on this commit. It's like some kind of cryptic message from the past, and it's weirding me out, tbh.

#startup life #exiting #entering #phase shift #narrative arc #chapter and act delineations #retrospective #not-retro-spective #i guess that'd be just spective #wagon fulla pamcakes?#in the champeenship?#showdown #put your nose down

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moonaft · 4 years ago

Text

The Killing Frost - Review

I usually wait for my library to have a copy before reading the latest book. Not this time.

Honestly, this is more of a live blog than a review.

Spoilers up to The Killing Frost and June 2020 for the Patreon stories.

Before I begin, I want to mention that I have physical copies of only some of the books. These are Rosemary and Rue, One Salt Sea, The Winter Long, The Brightest Fell. As of yesterday, I count the Kindle copy of The Killing Frost in that number and will pick up a physical copy eventually. Everything else I borrow from the library, which are usually always available. This series is something I keep re-reading because there’s something new every time I read.

“It doesn’t matter what I wear to the wedding, we both know it’s going to be completely covered in blood before we reach ‘I do’“ and we’re off to a wonderful start. I’m so glad Toby has become genre-savvy. She can now anticipate and plan for being covered in blood. That’s character development.

“My name is October Daye because my mother should never have been allowed to name her own children.” No, your name is October Daye because Eira wanted children named thematically after their parents and the Torquills went for all the months of the year. You can blame September for that one. Or I suppose August is older than January, so blame Simon.

Interesting that she’s accepted that one day she’ll burn out the rest of her humanity.

“Now I live in a house that I own free and clear, thank to Sylvester” Does he still pay property taxes on it, or is that Toby? Does Sylvester have an accountant, and if so, are they fae or human?

Toby, you could definitely get married at the courthouse and then do a fae wedding. They won’t recognize the mortal one but you can still say you’re married. Do Tybalt have any form of human id? I guess they could magic something up and confuse the attendant.

Hi Karen! Something I forgot for my “Open Question�� post - why does Stacy have two Seer daughters when Seers have been nearly extinct for centuries?

How’s that for a plot hook? Your seer niece lets you know what you’re doing and with whom. Easy.

After everything Toby’s been through, she has a right to be paranoid when someone knocks at the door after Karen’s done warning her.

Could still be a trap. Negative points for not confirming with Tybalt first.

His date idea is very romantic, I will give him that.

Does Tybalt even have a last name? I don’t remember if he does.

It’s always fun to recognize people before the narrator mentions them by name. Hi Patrick and Dianda! This isn’t suspicious at all.

Does Dianda use the same wheelchair whenever she’s on land? If so, where do they store it? Or do they haul it with them? Is there a storage unit filled with Undersea fae stuff?

Patrick, this isn’t weird at all. You��re digging for something. Given that the summary says Toby needs to invite her legal father to her wedding, I assume you’re trying to make sure he’s there.

I’m not convinced Simon’s trying to wake up Evening. He doesn’t like her, and if losing his way home made him forget August even exists, I’m not sure he’d return to Evening given a chance.

And there’s the actual kicker - by not inviting Simon, Toby allows his boss to claim offense. Evening claiming offense on his behalf is a very very bad thing, and that’s why it’s important he’s there. I am certain Patrick’s parents weren’t at his wedding, but they probably washed their hands of him when they heard who he was marrying. And their liege probably didn’t care about a landless Baron in another Kingdom, so there was no consequence.

The Luidaeg did tell Toby she has to find Simon - along with two other tasks. What happened to those?

Looks like Patrick does have the broad strokes of the plots of The Winter Long and The Brightest Fell - given how much Toby doesn’t tell people, I wasn’t sure. She didn’t tell him about Poppy prior to the Ducky of Ships, after all.

Patrick and Dianda do want him back - looks like I might right that he goes to Saltmist when this all clears up. And they really want him to divorce Amandine, which, yeah. That marriage is not a good one. I firmly believe that if they do divorce, both Toby and August would declare for Simon.

“Bring him home” from Les Mis starts playing. It’s interesting that Dianda is the one telling Toby this.

“You and Tybalt have been banking on my ignorance throughout this whole process, and now your reward is that you have to go with me to look for Simon Torquill, and Tybalt can’t come” I love how she rolls with it. This would have been unheard of in The Winter Long.

“And yes, I actually wanted him to be there when I did that, if it was even remotely possible.” Aww. It’s a shame her relationship with Sylvester is deteriorating at the same time her relationship with Simon is growing, but it is growing.

I assume Spike, being fae, is also functionally immortal and won’t die of old age.

“I hardly wind up ambushed and alone at all these days.” True, thanks to your ever growing cast of rotating characters.

I love Toby’s continued roasting of Evening and Amandine.

If Evening’s been in the Mists for a thousand years and also popped for Tam Lin in Scotland 500 years ago, how is she getting back and forth between the two? Though she convince Torin to take Saltmist when she was asleep, so maybe she’s just been dreamwalking.

Hi Marcia! What weird things are you going to do this book that no one’s going to pick up on?

Dean and Quentin are cute together.

Wait, this means Toby needs to invite Amandine to her wedding. Fuck.

It’s the Summer Roads key again.

Right, Ceres could do it too. And Toby’s actually thinking of the consequences of her actions.

Quentin will be a force of reckoning on the High King’s throne.

Hi Etienne! You could totally go visit Toby whenever you want.

Randomly appearing magic door - technically, the knowe could bring them directly to the Moon Garden if it wanted to. It wants to bring them to this door, and let them know something’s going on.

Blood for the blood door? Toby has a right to Shadowed Hills, and the knowe knows and likes her. Maybe this is a way of helping with her eventual claim?

“Cool. Good to know. We’re all going to be eaten by weird magic flowers.” “Let’s face it, this isn’t much of a surprise.”

It’s Raysel’s bed/coffin. Given that they’re looking for Evening, I don’t like the parallels to Raysel’s Firstborn.

Neither Evening nor Simon have an interest in Raysel, but Sylvester doesn’t know that.

I love October’s speech to Sylvester about Rayseline.

It would likely be good for Raysel to spend a year with Toby at her house. She can meet Toby’s teens and live without her parents for a while. Might be awkward when Dean shows up but that’s a conversation they need to have.

Interesting that Raysel’s magic changes - did she get more of her father’s scent?

Summer Roads key is weird, and definitely more plot related than it appears. Given that it’s currently a MacGuffin to get to Evening, that’s pretty powerful.

What is this weird black bubble.

Shit, May got impaled.

So this is where Simon stored Luna and Raysel for 14 years. I personally wouldn’t anchor a formless void holding a Blodynbryd off the Rose Road where she has power, but it ‘worked out’ I suppose.

Toby’s headache is concerning me. I wonder if she’s doing the impossible without knowing it, and that’s what’s causing the magical backlash.

How did Luna and Raysel escape the bubble? There’s been no indication that someone found them, so perhaps they found Simon’s door.

Toby’s talking to Maeve as roses. How is she doing this? Why is Maeve (or part of Maeve?) part of the Rose Road? Didn’t the Luidaeg and Toby turn onto Annis’s Roads at some point during The Winter Long? Did they transition from the Summer Roads part of the Rose Roads into the Winter Roads? Is that even a thing? Why does the Summer Key allow them access to it?

Reviewing TWL again, the Luidaeg used the Key to open Annis’s forgotten road to take a shortcut to Shadowed Hills. Then Luna used the Key to open a Rose Road to Evening. The Key, which “belonged to [Luna’s] grandmother”. Unspecified grandmother. Maybe it’s not a Summer Roads Key afterall.

Roses are the thing that connects all three Branches - Maeve has them, Eira has them, Amandine has them.

Unrelated to the current plot, I think Raysel would be great with flowers. It’s implied that when a mixed blood uses a hope chest to pick one bloodline, they keep something from the missing bloodline. Tybalt’s niece Cailin (Daoine Sidhe/Cait Sidhe -> Cait Sidhe) is extraordinarily good with illusions and can’t shapeshift. August is relatively good with illusions (enough to bind Quentin) and kept her red hair and yellow eyes.

And Maeve (or a representative?) listens to Toby. Wow.

Quentin has strong and unflattering opinions about Evening’s forest scene. I love how the characters feel focusing on the small details. They’ve accepted the impossible and have moved beyond it.

Interesting that there’s no scent of roses before finding Evening’s clearing. Another open question: why does Evening also get apples in addition to roses and snow? What causes the shift between roses+snow and roses+apples?

And why doesn’t anyone but the Luidaeg recognize that apples are also Evening’s?

“I wish I’d met Simon and Sylvester’s parents... it doesn’t make sense.” “Most Daoine Sidhe I’ve known have something floral about their magic. Simon doesn’t” Does his mulled cider not count? Fruit isn’t floral? I want to know Septimius’s magic scents as well, because I’m pretty sure Simon got the apple cider from him, via his own mother aka Evening’s daughter Fómhar. The October Daye wiki is failing me on some of these names.

Please let her know that the twins were once changelings this book. Please.

May, I’m sorry you have a literal hole in your body, but I live for magical theory.I need moar.

Hello, Sleeping Beauty. Also, Simon is rather good at archery and I don’t know why that doesn’t come up more often.

Simon is not looking well. He’s also doing some bizarre leaps of conversation -

October: We came here to look for you.

Simon: Where’s Oleander?

No one brought up Oleander? I get that the spell is doing weird things to his mind, maybe it’s skipping.

"who seemed to have stolen most of his memory of who he’d been”

Jossed on him not seeking out Evening, but kinda confirmed on the reason why: he doesn’t give a reason why he’s working with Evening. The spell’s not working as well as it did on August - he is definitely getting confused, if only briefly.

Is that why he didn’t show up during Night and Silence or The Unkindest Tide? He was stuck in the clearing? What has he been eating? Is he still wearing the same clothes he was in for The Winter Long and The Brightest Fell?

October: Hey, you can wait here for a hundred years, we just need you to take a trip to see the Luidaeg. It’ll be super quick.

Toby, I love you.

AND HE REMEMBERS PATRICK. Enough to stand down, at least. But he think’s Patrick’s dead? Oh no no no. Did he think that for most of the last century? This keeps getting sadder.

At least he’s not hurting May and Quentin.

I don’t think he sent the Doppelganger in Rosemary and Rue, pretty sure that was Devin.

He doesn’t remember the events of TBF, interesting.

Fucking hell, that was too easy. I should have seen it would be too easy. And he thinks Amandine modified Toby’s memory?

I guess May doesn’t need to worry about infection.

Helpful pixies! Glad to see more of them. Toby better deliver that dinner soon.

“Also to be fair, the terrible disaster was usually either my fault or happening to me” True words, Toby.

Hi Walther and Cassie!

HI Luidaeg!

If her debts are currently balanced, then she did work off the other two from The Unkindest Tide.

Yeah, pretty sure Simon hasn’t broken the Law yet.

Emotionally mature Toby strikes again. She’s been so this entire book. The amount of difficult conversations so far is pretty large.

This focus on Stacy not wanting her kids to date is interesting, unless it’s a red herring. And she grew up with Toby in Shadowed Hills. Not Firstborn, I won’t guess one of the Three - Marianne? But she was fully grown back during the earthquake. Did her fae grandparents have a human partner like Simon and Sylvester’s parents, and her fae parent was also a changeling? They moved away after their child died because they couldn’t deal with the grief? A hope chest moving her blood? How old was October when she met Stacy?

Hi Arden!

Recap time with the Luidaeg.

A solution with Dianda and Patrick? If he goes and lives in Saltmist, he’s far from people who want to harm him.

If Simon’s so good at using other people’s blood, then potentially he could use Amandine/August/Toby’s blood to be a poor man’s Dóchas Sidhe. For healing, maybe?

‘Her husband could only hear the ones who belonged to him” - huh, interesting tidbit about Oberon.

Torquill lore! Finally revealed to Toby!

Off to Goldengreen. Return of the water trauma for Toby, boo.

Oh my god she’s an otter. So cute! Yes, everyone should be an otter. Bite her, Toby. Do it.

Marcia! Does Marcia not know that Simon exists as a separate person from Sylvester? Acacia at least understood that Simon wasn’t Sylvester, even if she didn’t get the concept of twins. I’m not surprised she survived Simon’s spells - Evening seemed to completely ignore her in TWL. And Firstborns tend to get mind whammed if they think about her for too long. More evidence for the Titania theory (or Maeve, if she’s in multiple pieces).

That many spells can’t be good.

I am not surprised that Toby asked how to give Simon her way home. This family has a tendency to pass around debts.

Also, now would be a good time to call Tybalt. Might be faster than driving to Half Moon Bay. I guess the plan is to steal a Selkie skin and swim to Saltmist since Goldengreen was a bust? But yeah, he’s probably not up to date with TUK if he’s been stuck in the clearing for a year.

“evil hot potato” good phrase. This stinks a little of self-sabotage.

Diva did need to be shifted, interesting.

Simon wouldn’t have gotten away with it, there’s nothing natural about a boy eating 6+ bowls of soup, especially if he kept doing it past when he’s physical ill. Poor Quentin.

Interesting that Simon’s not trying to cause harm. His superpowered spells are doing a terrific amount of damage, but nothing that can’t technically be reversed if they have the power to do so. Even Quentin was harmed only because he couldn’t stop eating, and that wasn’t Simon’s intention.

Dean admittedly is not have a good day. Neither is Quentin.

Simon under the Luidaeg’s curse is surprisingly self-reflective. I wasn’t expecting that.

Fuck off, Evening.

I didn’t think we’d get the reason behind why the Luidaeg couldn’t lie in this book, that’s nice.

Go Toby, tear this bitch down.

It is interesting that of the three daughters of Titania we’ve met, each one follows a different school of magic. Guess it shows that schools of magic don’t always follow blood.

Evening has been dreamwalking. Stronger when she’s sleeping? Can’t keep her asleep, can’t keep her awake. Can they turn her into a stone?

Confirmation: Titania was banished, and I assume only Oberon could do that.

“Lady, let alone” Maybe in the first blood changing dream, with her father who I think was actually Oberon? I don’t remember.

Tybalt and Walther also aren’t having good days.

I don’t get what Toby’s figured out.

“Rolling emergency that is your ongoing existence” Love it.

Dean’s day is getting better.

There goes the hot potato. I appreciate that Simon’s first action is to get the Luidaeg to reverse it and I’m sure Tybalt isn’t far behind.

Simon’s spending a good portion of the book confused.

Toby just coughed up a pigeon. I can’t determine if that’s weirder than the Luidaeg pulling it out of her chest.

“None of my enemies are remotely that powerful” I’m pretty sure there won’t be a book where Toby travels back in time, but just imagine what a book that would be. And Simon’s mulled cider is back, nice. And confused again.

Seriously? SERIOUSLY? Thornton?? OBERON???

Is his name a play on ‘root and thorn’?

Did he make himself human so Janet could fall in love with him as human? He’s expecting her.

Her name was suppose to be Almandine? And she doesn’t count as home to Toby, no wonder.

She got Oberon lost in Annwn and then pulled him out again. What the fuck.

Confused man remains confused. “He looked like a man who’d just lost everything” Something tells me that isn’t because he’s meeting his father-in-law/a physical god. Did Evening tell him something about Oberon’s return that hasn’t been revealed yet?

Lots of people get to come home today. This is great.

Time to get status reports. Toby is calm in crisis, as long as no one’s actively trying to kill her.

Let the Luidaeg and her father catch up. Wow. I didn’t expect they’d find Oberon with more books left to go.

Toby owes Walther far more than just one pizza - get that boy home and let him sleep.

Way too tired to consider how the car got there. Is it only one day since the Cat in the Rafters? Is this book taking place over the course of a single day? How long were they on the Rose Roads? Everyone needs sleep and food.

I do appreciate Simon taking responsibility for his actions and while apologizing doesn’t fix anything, it is the right thing to do. Toby hasn’t had a chance to tell him about her meeting with Patrick and Dianda, has she? He assumes he’ll be elfshot.

Not that his opinion matters on the Toby/Tybalt relationship, but I like how he’s being supportive.

Get married in the courthouse Toby, The fae won’t recognize it but it takes pressure off the wedding in Toronto so when that goes south, you are still married. Take May, Jazz, Quentin, Raj and whoever else you can grab at short notice.

Good on Toby for checking in on Tybalt and having a difficult conversation.

Back to Goldengreen. Do let Marcia hit Simon, let her do that. Once again, no one remembers that Marcia’s survived things a thin blooded changeling shouldn’t. And Simon doesn’t want to face Patrick and Dianda. It’s been over a hundred years since he last saw them. I wonder how much of the time he thought they were dead?

Changing people into trees can at least be reversed. There’s going to be trauma, but it’s better that everyone in Goldengreen was a tree or toadstool then dead.

“We have access to Oberon now, we can ask him for more Laws if you think we need them.” Oh god. I love this entire chapter, the dialogue is great and too numerous to quote.

And Simon, Patrick, and Dianda aren’t saying anything. Thank you for taking charge of this scene, Toby, otherwise nothing’s going to get done.

“Not that we’re going to get a honeymoon, since someone is inevitably going to try to murder or abduct us” If you say it and plan for it, it might not happen.

Toby’s little interjection to Dean, the pro-mammal conversation, this chapter is pure good.

Can Simon say Eira’s name now? It choked in his throat during TWL.

Are they really getting into the Janet thing now?

Side-stepped that conversation. Simon definitely wasn’t expecting his best friend and wife to convince to divorce his wife, and then have his step-daughter and her fiance agree as well.

OT3! OT3! Oh man, I didn’t expect this and I love it so much! OT3! Do it! Also, Dean’s day just got weirder.

OT3!

“hey, kiddo we want to open our marriage and include the man who just turned you into a tree” so many difficult conversations to have.

Oh my fucking god, this is everything I could have wanted and didn’t know to ask for.

Wedding time? IS IT WEDDING TIME? “My mother’s divorce proceedings” THAT WORKS TOO.

Glad Toby is still carrying her knife even to this. She’s going to be wearing it to her own wedding.

I still can’t believe Simon’s the one calling for the divorce but good for him. Prior to this, I assumed it would be Amandine insisting on it. I assume the news got to Sylvester and Luna and I would love to know what Sylvester thinks of this.

Hadn’t realized Evening got Quentin fostered to Shadowed Hills because she wanted to marry him and become High Queen.

Fuck off, Amandine. Poor August. Raj gets one line in this book :(

And now it’s confirmed public knowledge that Amandine’s Firstborn.

Called Toby declaring for Simon, and I love how fierce she’s picturing her human father during this.

Also, I firmly believe if August hadn’t disappeared and Amandine still married Jonathan Daye (and Patrick and Dianda hadn’t convinced Simon to divorce her), Simon would have been a part of that. And if Amandine hadn’t told him and just brought October home one day, he would have helped Toby still see her own father.

Patrick and Dianda have gotten him to sleep and eat, good. He wasn’t looking well a couple chapters (a week?) ago.

He’s still trying to protect August to make choosing Amandine easier. I still think she’s choosing him.

CALLED IT.

Hi Oberon! Nobody recognizes you, that’s interesting. And you can calm everyone in the crowd. So you have some power.

“You have no descendant line to stand for you” Is that why Eria’s focused on breeding pure blood Daoine Sidhe? She gets power from everyone who declares for her? My current theory is that she wants to be the true Queen of Faerie, get rid of the Three and rule by herself.

Surprise wedding! Five minutes after Simon got divorced! I love this OT3 so damn much.

Dean, Peter and Toby all agree, August doesn’t say no. Toby has two new step-parents and two step-brothers? I honestly can’t think of Dianda as Toby’s step-mother. She’s Toby’s punchy friend and also the women who married Toby’s step-father/ fae legal father.

Peter’s the one who probably going to spend the most time with Simon, given that he’s still an enemy in Goldengreen. Is August moving down to the Undersea? She can’t stay in the tower anymore. Maybe she can crash at Toby’s or Shadowed Hills or Tamed Lightning if she doesn’t want to stay underwater. Has she seen January since she got home? Or maybe stay at Muir Woods.

I would love to see the dynamics of this new family. And the conversations of the OT3 in the past week.

I’m glad to see Simon and August out of Amandine’s grasp. She was abusive.

Wait, Toby doesn’t need to invite Amandine to her wedding because they’re not legally related anymore. Excellent.

Really wondering how the news is taken at Shadowed Hills.

What a great book. What wonderful surprises. I couldn’t have asked for more. No one died. Lots of trauma from super powered compulsion and shapeshifting to deal with but honestly, things are better for a lot of people.

To me, it feels like Simon’s story has mostly closed. He can rest and be happy with his spouses in Saltmist, and pop up whenever Toby needs info about Evening’s plan or blood magic, like Walther does for alchemist solutions. Staying mostly out of the line of fire. Good for him. I was so concerned he would die as a result of resolving his story.

Review of Shine in Pearl to follow.

#october daye #october daye spoilers

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starkravinghazelnoots · 5 years ago

Text

his eyes

(in which which pepper can’t get a stranger’s face out of her mind and doesn’t have a damn clue as to why)

pepperony week day 7: au

based off of “Mr. Monk Is Up All Night”, which you can watch here

~*~

“And you’re sure you don’t know him?”

Pepper sighed, absentmindedly running a hand through her hair. “I swear, Rhodey. He bumped into me at the store, and I dropped one of my bags. He apologized and helped me pick up my groceries. We laughed it off and went our separate ways. That’s it.” She cracked her neck. Her body had been stiff with tension over the past few days. “And now I can’t get his face out of my head.”

Rhodey rubbed his chin. “Are you sure you’re not…” He gestured vaguely with his hand. “Attracted to him?”

Pepper sent the man a dubious glare. “He was half my age, James.” Not to mention that there was only room for one man in her heart, even if two years had already passed since his death. She still wore her ring. And, if she had her way, she was never going to stop wearing her ring.

Rhodey chuckled. “Alright, alright.” He shrugged. “I’ve got nothing, then. Did he…” He gestured to his face. “Have any distinctive characteristics? Something that’s sticking out in your memory?”

Pepper frowned, closing her eyes as she visualized the boy’s face. He’d been of Hispanic descent, with pretty average features. Small-ish nose, brown eyes, defined cheekbones. “Not that I can remember. He looked pretty plain.”

“And you didn’t catch his name?”

“If I had, I’d be out tracking him down myself and we would not be having this conversation!” she snapped. She then winced at the harshness of her tone. “Sorry. I’m just… frustrated.”

“I know, Pepper.” Rhodey offered her a sympathetic smile. “But we’ll figure this out. I’m glad you asked me to come over instead of trying to work through it on your own.” He glanced at his watch, sighing. “Unfortunately, I need to head on out if I plan on getting any sleep before work tomorrow. You need to get some rest, too.” He glanced at her face, frowning. “You’ve got some serious bags under your eyes. When was the last time you slept?”

Pepper would have laughed at his question, had that not been a totally inappropriate reaction. How was she supposed to explain that she hadn’t slept in the past two - three? - days because every time she shut her eyes all she could see was the mystery boy?

She couldn’t explain it. So she didn’t.

“I’ve had a couple of rough nights. No big deal.”

Rhodey clearly didn’t believe her, but much to her relief, he didn’t press her for a more detailed answer. “Alright.” He stood up and stretched his back before leaning down and kissing her cheek. “I’ll call you tomorrow. Maybe with fresh minds we’ll able to figure out what’s so weird about this grocery boy.”

Pepper managed a small smile at his comment. “Thanks, Rhodey.”

“Anytime.” After that, the colonel left, letting himself out and locking the door behind him. Pepper couldn’t bring herself to get out of her chair.

It was moments like these where Tony’s absence was most palpable. There was no one there to put a blanket over her shoulders. No one there to bring her a cup of steaming tea with exactly one and half spoonfuls of honey. No one there to press a kiss to the top of her head and tell her that everything was going to be okay.

Pepper hadn’t realized she’d started crying until she felt a tear fall onto her wedding band and slowly drip down her finger.

God, she missed him.

Going to bed wasn’t an option. Pepper knew both her body and mind desperately needed sleep, but the thought of lying in bed with pillows that still smelled of Tony was too much to bear.

Worse, every time she tried to relax, her thoughts would drift back to the boy from the store. Why? What was so special about him? What connection had he unintentionally formed with her?

She was probably overthinking it. There was no way she’d ever see him again, so surely it was better to forget they’d ever met.

That realization was startling. She was never going to see him again. She’d never know why his face was occupying her thoughts for hours on end.

She had to do something,

Huh. It looked like she was going to be tracking him down herself after all.

Pepper fired off a quick text to Happy.

P. Potts: I need you to watch Morgan for me. Be here in 15.

H. Hogan: Now? It’s after midnight!

P. Potts: I know. See you soon

Happy had never been able to argue with her, which admittedly was a fact Pepper tended to use to her advantage. But she did appreciate that he hadn’t asked why she was still awake at this time of night. Or morning, rather.

While she waited for him to arrive, Pepper decided to start her research.

“FRIDAY,” she called, moving over to the small workstation she and Tony had shared, though Tony had certainly used it more often than she did. “I need to track someone down. Can you help me do that?”

“I will try my best, Miss Potts.”

“Thank you. That’s all I ask.” Pepper took a deep breath before she began to describe the boy. FRIDAY created a hologram in front of her to match the description. Afterwards, Pepper went through the fine details, instructing the AI to make his eyebrows thinner, his nose smaller, his lips more rounded.

“Alright,” Pepper finally said. “Can you run his face through every New York database and see if we get a hit?”

“Of course, Miss Potts. But I should warn you that the odds of getting a match are significantly smaller because we are working solely off your memory.”

“I know. Thank you, FRIDAY.” Silence fell, interrupted only by the quiet humming of FRIDAY’s software as she ran facial recognition through all known New York databases.”

“Wait a minute…” Pepper mumbled, eyes widening as she jumped to her feet. Clothes… What had he been wearing? She started pacing, her arms crossed tightly over her chest. “He was dressed in some kind of uniform. Black pants, and a white button-down shirt with some kind of golden patch-thing on each shoulder.”

“A cab driver?” FRIDAY suggested.

“That could be it,” Pepper mused. “Change of plan, FRIDAY. See if his face matches any ID photo for cab drivers across New York.”

In less than five minutes, they had a hit.

“His name is Lucas Santiago,” FRIDAY explained. “He works for Golden Star, a locally run cab company. He works night shifts every Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Saturday, until one am.”

“Which means if I leave now, I might be able to catch him,” Pepper finished. “Okay. FRIDAY, I need you to get all this information into my phone, including the address of Golden Star. I also want you to prepare a donation for the company - double whatever their annual revenue is before taxes.”

“Yes, Miss Potts.”

Pepper glanced at the clock on the wall. 12:32. She’d be cutting it close, but she could make it.

She had to know.

Lucas Santiago.

Why does your face haunt me?

~*~

The moment Happy arrived, Pepper practically ran out the door, pausing only to promise him that she’d explain everything when she got back.

She arrived at Golden Star six minutes after one, and had broken several speed limit laws in doing so.

“Lucas Santiago,” she gasped as she ran up to the front desk, where a petite old woman - presumably a dispatcher - was standing. “I need to speak with Lucas Santiago. It’s a matter of personal importance.”

“You just missed him, dear,” the woman said apologetically. “He left out the back. If you cut across the parking lot, you might be able to catch him.”

Pepper’s “thank you” had barely left her lips before she turned around to race through the parking lot. She silently wished she’d worn better shoes.

Then she caught sight of slender young man checking his phone beneath a street lamp on the sidewalk next to the edge of the parking. “Lucas!” she called, hastily making her way towards him. “Lucas Santiago!”

The boy looked up upon hearing his name, tucking his phone away. His expression was wary at first, but then he seemed to realize he was being called by a tired-looking woman and not some creep with a gun. “Yes? Is there something I can do for you, ma’am?”

Pepper had to pause to catch her breath. “I’ve been looking for you,” she finally managed to say. “All night.”

Lucas frowned, his brow furrowed in confusion. “For me? Why?”

Pepper opened her mouth to provide an answer, but found she did not have one. “I - I don’t know.” How was she supposed to explain to the poor boy that ever time she closed her eyes, all she could see was his face?

She glanced down at his arm, the tattooed string of numbers catching her eye. “10-17-23,” she murmured, her voice catching in her throat. “Oh my God. That’s the day my husband died.”

Lucas touched his arm. “It’s the day I was reborn, ma’am. At least that’s how it felt.” He offered her a soft smile. “I had a disease. Retinitis pigmentosa. I was going blind, so my parents scraped together everything we had to send me to America for surgery -”

“- and you had a cornea transplant,” Pepper whispered, covering her mouth as she fought back tears. “From… Tony?”

Lucas nodded, surprised. “Yes. Tony… Anthony S.”

“Oh my God,” she sobbed, unable to hold back the overwhelming flood of feelings. “My husband.” His eyes… It had been his eyes the entire time. That was why she couldn’t get his face out of her mind.

Every time she looked into his eyes, she was seeing Tony, alive and well.

Tears started to trickle down the Lucas’s cheeks. “I - I have his corneas,” he stammered. “Your husband - he saved my life.”

Almost in a trance, Pepper reached up and traced a tear down the boy’s face. “Tony’s eyes…”

Lucas shook his head, his hand moving up to rest on top of hers, his fingers brushing over her wedding ring. “I am - I am so sorry.”

Pepper cupped his cheek, her thumb brushing just underneath his eye. “Don’t be,” she whispered, offering him a gentle smile. “You’ve let me look into my husband’s eyes. One last time. And I -” She paused, allowing a choked sob to escape her lips. “I couldn’t be more grateful.” She reached up to wipe her face with her sleeve. “Thank you. Thank you.”

Lucas didn’t respond, instead slowly leaning forward until their foreheads touched. Time stood still as a period of vulnerability was made between two complete strangers, two people connected by a force more powerful than the both of them.

And when Pepper shut her eyes, all she could see was Tony smiling back at her.

~*~

i’m not totally sure if this counted as an au, since really not much has changed, but i based it off a tv episode so i figured it was okay?? i hope y’all enjoyed!

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anxiouslowercase · 5 years ago

Text

outlaw solidarity, a cassie sandsmark/jason todd drabble

fandom: dc comics, new 52 (teen titans 2011/red hood and the outlaws) warnings: underage drinking (sort of). notes: a sort of continuation of this small drabble, though it’s not necessary to read it to understand this one. cassie sandsmark just wanted to get an easy (free) drink, but instead ended up meeting someone annoyingly familiar.

Tired eyes scan the people sitting around the pub, looking for a possible kind guy who’d want to share his drink with a pretty blonde, maybe give her some place to crash for a little while until she took off to her next excavation to sack during the night. Her gaze quickly lands on a lonely figure at the bar, one which is probably just getting his first beer of the afternoon. Perfect. Putting on her best smile, she makes her way to the stool next to his.

“Is this taken?” The guy turns to her with the smallest of frowns, but it easily goes away after eyeing her no more than a second; probably happy to have some company, she muses.

"Didn't a little red birdie tell you not to trust strangers?" She's a bit confused, especially by the little birdie choice, but since the half smirk on his face is rather attractive and he's not straight up getting away from her, Cassie decides not to pay it too much mind and take a seat regardless.

"What, you're gonna hurt me?"

"I haven't decided yet," he lies without missing a beat. "But i could, easily." Much to his surprise though, instead of feeling intimidated, the blonde just moves closer.

"No, I don't think you can. Or, even if you could you just wouldn't."

"How are you so sure?" She doesn't reply immediately, choosing instead to casually cross her legs. Without tearing her gaze from his, Cassie starts brushing her foot against his ankle and up his calf with the confidence of someone who's done this before. She smiles, but there's no warmth to it and it doesn't quite reach her eyes.

"You look like a good guy. Y'know, under the whole bad boy look." He raises his eyebrows as she reaches out to take a sip of his beer without even asking for permission. In her defense, she usually doesn't have to.

"Aren't you a bit too young to be drinking? Especially something you didn't buy." Her grin widens, a slight spark of amusement taking over her features this time. Anyone else would've already ordered her a drink of her own and would be trying to get her drunk, yet he isn't. Good guy.

"Not according to the ID currently in my pocket. And I'm a little short on money right n--" he snorts, interrupting and causing her to raise an eyebrow this time.

"I find that hard to believe." She hates the way he smirks without even looking at her, as if he knew something she ignored. A fact he clearly finds amusing, judging by his tone. "You look like a girl who knows where to find some riches. Y'know, under the whole pretty thief look." The look on her face must be quite something, for he stops gazing at her from the corner of his eye to turn to her fully, the twitch on his lips never wavering. "Don't be so hard on yourself, Wondy Girl - I've become a good judge of character."

The nickname is almost a slap to her face. She even sits a bit straighter, foot falling limp in place just as it as does any mask of the flirty blonde she was trying to keep up. Her hand contracts in a fist as a reflex, in time with the thumping of her heart. How could he...? Was it possible that she had walked right into a trap? Her breathing quickens as her eyes start frantically looking around, almost expecting government agents to take off their civvies and throw themselves at her. She can feel the cold sweat on her back, and something itching right under her skin - the armour, reading to come out and defend her. No, no, no, no, no; please, no.

Her vision becomes blurry, though if it is from trying to fight her gift or due to her state of panic (or even tears,) Cassandra can't quite tell. She does however miss the just as sudden yet equally genuine look of concern on the guy next to her, as well as most of the words she thinks he's saying. His hand hovers near hers, but thankfully doesn't touch it - she would've sent him right through the wall, otherwise, and her cover would've definitely been blown. For that alone, she swallows and does her best to pick up what he's saying.

"... okay. Breathe, it's fine." As a shaky breath goes through her lips, she finally manages to put his face back in focus, and is greeted with seriousness and even a small frown. If it weren't because she doesn't know him, Cass would've sworn he looks a bit worried. "You're okay, you're safe."

She gives a little nod as her trembling hand runs through her hair, a weak attempt to still look in control. He probably doesn't buy it, but at least he doesn't call her out on it either.

Some water is left right in front of her, and for a second her alarm sense is triggered once more, afraid that someone had heard them, seen them and connected the dots. However, the stranger is the one to take the glass and extend it to her further, and from the corner of her eye she can tell the patron hadn't even given her a second look. She sighs, taking small sips of water and feeling her body deflate a little as her fight-or-flight state slowly wears off. All the while, the guy keeps a careful yet casual eye on her; she appreciates the discretion.

None of them really says anything for a little while, Cassie still trying to tame her stress and him just nursing his beer and stealing glances at her. Slowly, she turns on her stool and focuses her gaze on the wooden bar, not really wanting to be so exposed in front of him. Not that it matters too much now since he's clearly realized the one thing she didn't want anyone to find out but - guess it's just a matter of pride.

"Listen, I--"

"-- any other name I can call you?" She blinks, twice. Her lips part ever so slightly in surprise; his are once again twitched in the tiniest smile, almost as if amused. In any other circumstance she would've been pissed off, maybe think that he was just trying to get on her nerves. But right now she even welcomes the brushing off of the episode, which is a reply comes out before she can even think up another lie.

"Uh, Cassie." Blue meets blue as they look at each other an extra second, nothing like the way they had done back when she'd just arrived. There was almost an understanding there, a camaraderie of sorts. It makes her lower her gaze and squirm a little on her seat, but she forces herself to clear her throat and try again. "About... that, I--"

"If you don't mention it then I won't either." He sounds chill, almost as if they were just talking about a slightly embarrassing incident they wanted to forget instead of him having knowledge about one of the most wanted thieves of Interpol. He even dares to grin, though it's amusement rather than glee what hides behind the gesture. "Call it outlaw solidarity."

So that is why. Cassie wonders what he could've done, what sorts of crimes he was involved in that allowed him to be out so freely and relaxed; she's still intrigued as to how the hell he knows her. But in her own act of comradeship she doesn't ask, giving him a smile instead. Probably the first genuine one of the evening.

"Thanks." There's a short nod on his end, and she finds her gaze lingering a moment longer. Not with any particular intention in mind, just... intrigued, mostly. But she knows better than to believe she has time for such things, especially when threading on thin ice, as she is now. Thus she clears her throat and stands up, straightening up her posture as if to shrug off the incident altogether, putting back her mask. "Well, I better take my leave - It's been... fun. Thanks for the beer." And she even winks, though she can't be sure he's seen her. She walks away nonetheless, boots stepping firmly and confidently on the floor. However, she doesn't get to make it too far off before stopping again.

"Hey." She turns around, question written in her eyes. The guy is standing too, a red motorbike helmet on his hand. "Need a ride?"

#cassie sandsmark #cassandra sandsmark #jason todd #red hood #wonder girl #w.: drabble #ch.: cassie sandsmark #ch.: jason todd #stop me from writing weird pairings 2k20

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cloudyyoonji · 6 years ago

Text

Secret Panels and Paperwork

Detective! Hwang Hyunjin x Detective! Reader.

REQUESTED BY ANON

Summary: Seoul Police Headquaters is much more interesting then your old job, particularly the detective you’re now shadowing.

Genre; Fluff! Murder mystery case! (Mentions of a hostage situation)

_________________

Seoul Police Headquaters was way more relaxed then what you were used to.

Even though you’d been a crime detective for some 5 years now, you couldn’t help but feel a little anxious coming into a new job, one that was definitely on a smaller scale then what you were used to.

A quick scan of your ID and your past the gates, heading into a newer and exciting job; a new beginning.

You’ve barely stepped foot into the office when you’re greeted. The male beems at you, eyes flicking from your ID that is now clipped to your uniform to you.

“You must be Y/N! I’m Hwang Hyunjin.”

Woah. He’s hot.

Masking your thoughts with a polite smile you nod to confirm your identity, following suit as the attractive male beckons you to walk with him.

“So for the next few week, you’re going to shadow me. They said you’d had a few years of experience, but you’ll shadow me just until you get used to how things tend to run here.”

You’re nodding along to every word he says, wondering just how you’d gotten so lucky to work with such a charming man.

A few years of experience? Would that explain how you were used to things running? Perhaps the boy doesn’t know...

Showing you to a cubicle right beside his, he explains that this is your work station, also adding that there isn’t too many cases at the moment so you’ll just be filling out simple complaints.

“Did you have any questions? Did you want me to go through a few forms with you?”

You shake your head, smiling up at the black haired boy.

“I think I’ve got it all covered. I’m no stranger to rent disagreements.”

He nods. “Okay just give me a tap if there’s anything I can do!”

However, you know for a fact that you won’t be needing his help.

After a week, it becomes adherent to everyone just how experienced you are. You’ve filled out 167 forms, more then most of the detectives you work with combined.

“You know, you’re really good at doing these.”

You look up at Hyunjin, who now stands on the other side of your desk, watching as your hand flicks through the paperwork in quick strokes.

“Thank you. I’ve had plenty experience.”

“So it seems. You learn fast.”

You put the pen down, curiosity eating at you.

“Do we have any cases?”

The boy watches you for a moment, nodding with a sigh as he seats himself on his chair, pulling it towards you.

“Yeah. This murder case about this girl. We just can’t figure it out. There’s something missing, you know? It’s hard to piece together.”

You hum, twirling your pen and taking out a stack of sticky notes, cogs in your brain already turning.

“Tell me about it.”

After looking at you for a second longer, the boy reaches for a file from his desk, handing it to you to flick through as he explains.

“So the victim; Sarah Evans, was found dead in her apartment on Thursday night. There was no sign of any forced entries or exits, and no sign of self inflicted wounds. The autopsy suggested that it was highly likely she’d been smothered in her sleep. However, there’s only a few people that have access to her apartment; this being her mum, brother and her boyfriend.”

“And you’ve interviewed them?” You ask, eyes narrowed as you flick to the autopsy report.

“Yes. Mum and the brother were out of town; she has an alibi witness. And her boyfriend was at home playing his PlayStation. More specifically ‘Skyrim’.”

You hum, flicking to the photos of the body, desperate for sometime of mark.

“A sock is missing?”

“Yeah. It’s not in her house. It’s the only sign that she struggled at all.”

Nodding, your scanning over the body, eyes narrowed.

“Can you send this to me?”

“Yeah definitely. Do you think we’ve missed something?”

Shaking your head, you finally look up at the boy, whose eyes are glued to you.

“I really don’t know, but a fresh pair of eyes might see something.”

The case eats at you into the morning hours. You’re absolutely positive you’d seen a case like this before.

Your old case files are scattered on the floor, clock reading now 5:04am even though it was just midnight a few minutes ago.

Illuminated by the light of your iPad, you’re zoomed into the tiny details of the body.

Missing fingernails? No.

Fresh bruises? No.

Cuts? No.

When you spot it, you can’t look away, zooming in even closer to see the coloured pixels in her dark hairline.

Blue and purple pixels.

A mark.

A love mark on her neck. In her hairline.

Quickly you’re scrolling to the witness statements, flicking to her boyfriends.

“I was playing Skyrim from the hours 5:00pm, till 8:00pm. I was then in bed from 8:00pm till 7:00am.”

The tracking app on his phone seemed to prove that, but perhaps he hadn’t taken the phone.

The boy explains himself to be a worried boyfriend. He was weary about her male friends, and how they treated her.

A motive; worried about her cheating.

Its like all the dots in your head connect at once.

It was him. The boyfriend.

iPad now abandoned on the floor with the countless papers of past cases, your standing, phone pressed against your ear.

“Hello?”

Hyunjin’s voice is rough, indicating that you’d most definitely woken him from his slumber. But this just couldn’t wait.

“Hyunjin. I’ve got it. I know who it was. There’s a mark we’ve missed. One that gives away a motive.”

You’re barely stopping to breathe as you try to explain, the boys brain so tired he cannot comprehend a thing.

“Woah, woah, woah. Slow down. I’ll meet you at the office okay? I need to see this mark for myself.”

And with that you’re running to your car, iPad in hand.

Speeding to the office, you basically run in, barely getting through the barricades with a scan of your ID.

“Hyunjin!” You yell, waving the iPad in your arms.

The boy looks at you rather concerned, taking in your wrinkled uniform and your bun that has miscellaneous pens and pencils sticking through it.

“Have you even slept?”

“Thats not the point. I’ve found a mark.” You tell him, zooming in on the love bite.

He takes the iPad from you, looking close.

“Holy shit, you’re right.”

“It was the boyfriend. Like I said on the phone. He was jealous. He admitted that. But he threw the focus off him to say he was worried her male friends would try something. But it’s him Hyunjin, it’s him.”

He nods, eyes leaving the iPad and flicking to your own.

“Let’s call it in.”

And so, at 5:48am, it is finalized that the murder of Sarah Evans was committed by her boyfriend; Marcus Roberts.

By 3:20pm, you’re suited up in a bulletproof vest; “Seoul Police Department” written in white bold letters across your back.

Armed and ready to go, you’re journeying to the murderers house.

Were you nervous? Definitely a little. Why? You had no idea.

But as the door is flung open, and the swarm of police enter, detectives following, your instincts kick in, adrenaline high.

Pulling open various draws, your on the search for the girls missing sock. His screams of protest seem almost non existent, heart beating so loud in your ears.

“We haven’t found the sock. Maybe he’s disposed of it. Burnt it even.”

You ignore Hyunjins words, walking to the bedside table. You’re sure it’s here somewhere. It has to be somewhere.

Fingers tapping along the white wood, Hyunjin only watches with confusion as you reach behind the table, pulling it forwards.

You look up at him, fingers finding a tiny hole in the wood, something soft stuffed inside.

And there it is. The white sock bright against your blue glove.

Putting it into the plastic sleeve that gets shoved towards you, you manage a small smile, your adrenaline finally wearing off into a tiredness.

Walking back through the house, it’s buzzing with the energy only a solved case could produce.

“Buddy, you’re going to be in jail for a long time.”

An officer tells the guilty male, pushing him out of the threshold as you and Hyunjin trail behind him.

“Please! I never meant no harm! She wanted to leave me. I couldn’t do it! I love her! I love her!”

Hyunjin side eyes the male, looking up at the officer.

“There’s our confession. Take him away.”

Climbing into Hyunjins car, you’re on your way back to the office, accomplishment on both your chests.

“You know, you did really well today. You’re extremely smart Y/N.”

Glancing up at Hyunjin as your working at taking off your bulletproof vest, a light smile gracing your features at his compliment.

“Thank you Hyunjin. That means a lot.”

As the car slows to stop at the red light, he is quick to glance over at you, spotting you struggling with the vest, and quickly unclipping the side for you, one you hadn’t seen. Flicking him a quick smile, you pull the vest off, holster still tight around your waist.

“How did you come to apply at Seoul Police Department? If you don’t mind me asking that is.”

“Oh I actually transferred!” You explain, looking up as the car starts moving again. “It’s a nicer environment trust me.”

“Nicer? Where did you work before? A battle ground?” The boy jokes, eyes turning into crescents.

You can see the mole under his eye a little more clearly now.

“Basically.” You laugh, shaking your head as you reminisce over the countless cases. “I worked for the FBI actually.”

“The FBI!” The boy basically yells, eyes off the road and on to you. “I am so sorry I made you do paperwork for like a week. I had no idea!”

Shaking your head, you explain that you actually like to do paperwork and that it’s like stress reliever for you.

Stopping at another light, he looks over at you again.

“So why did you leave may I ask? It must have been such an amazing line of work!”

Your smile fades as you remember, bitterness replacing the euphoric victory.

“It was amazing. But there was a reason why I left. It was one of those things you know? One you can’t really ever forget.”

You feel his gaze grow concerned, questioning and waiting for more.

“It was a hostage situation,” You begin, images of that day fresh in your mind as you recount the easy version of the story.

“It was a small group; 9 of us. He took my gun, used on it two in the group when things got too hectic for him to handle. I just felt so responsible you know? I couldn’t do anything. He would kill me or someone else the instance I lifted a finger. I’d already lost two, I just couldn’t risk the rest-.”

Your voice cuts off on its own, fingers trembling as you fiddle with the vest. Hyunjin takes your hand in his, his action making you look up at the concerned boy.

“That’s never going to happen again. I’ll make sure of it Y/N. And if it does, you’ve got me. I’ll come find you, I can promise you that.”

Hand tight on his, you can’t but help let a smile onto your features.

“Thank you Hyunjin.”

He smiles, looking back at the road as the light goes green and the car starts moving, one hand on the steering wheel, but the other wrapped tightly around your own.

“Let’s go find another case for you to solve Detective Y/N.”

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misssophiachase · 7 years ago

Note

Can I request KC + any cheesy Hallmark Christmas movie. Any of them.

Thank you!!! Awesomeprompt. For some reason it’s not so mini, so sorry for the delay. Okay, I’ll admit that I took some liberties, I mean there are way toomany to choose from so this is a different spin. I think I kind of morphed intoa Hallmark movie writer with all this cheese and fluff, hope you still like it!

Not Another Hallmark Movie

“I’ve worked with animalsthat are better behaved and trained than you, Mikaelson,” she hissed.

“Only because they can’ttalk. If they could I’m sure they’d have some pretty choice things to sayabout such a Princess, Forbes,” he shot back.

“Cut!”

“You are such an…”

“Well, you’re no picnicyourself sweetheart.”

“I said Cut!” TheirDirector, Enzo St John, growled. “You don’t get creative license,children. This is a bloody Hallmark movie and you will do it as I say. So, justfor your information, the lines actually were, I love you Jacob. I think Ialways have but I’ve been hurt before and Christmas is such a difficult timefor me after losing my father.”

“And then Jacob says,”Bonnie Bennet, their long suffering producer, added through grittedteeth. “I would never hurt you Grace and if you let me in, let me love youthen I can prove that to you everyday of our lives.”

“I much prefer my line,”Klaus shrugged his shoulders, unmoved by their terse interruptions.

“As I do mine,” Carolineagreed, arms crossed over her chest. Agreeing was something the two actorsnever did, just ask the rest of the cast and crew. They’d been bickering eversince their first day on set and things didn’t seem to beimproving.

“How about we take abreak,” Enzo sighed. “We’ll pick up in twenty minutes and maybe you twocan learn your bloody lines.” The crew scurried away, no doubt to enjoy somedowntime from all the drama.

Klaus made his way to hisdressing room, slamming the door shut in the process. Who was Enzo St John totell him what to do and how to do it? He remembered the second worse decisionhe’d ever made so clearly. If he could have blamed it on alcohol he would havebut this was all her doing.

“Hallmark? Ah, no Lucien.”

“You didn’t even let mefinish…”

“Because you used the Hword,” he muttered. “I thought we spoke about having that networkexorcised from any future contracts.”

“You need this role Klaus,if anything just to get you back on your feet,” he pleaded. “The roleshave dried up since…”

“I don’t need you to tellme that,” he growled, finally stopping his pacing. “But there must besomething else, something on HBO? I saw they’d green lit a pilotabout the Clash.”

“The Joe Strummer role hasalready been cast.”

“Oh don’t tell me, it’sthat talentless idiot, Tyler Lockwood?”

“No, it’s…”

“Well, don’t keep mehanging, Lucien. You know, I’m a big boy, I can handle the truth.”

“Stefan Slavatore,” hemumbled, his brown eyes now firmly focused on the floor.

“The brooding, James Deanwannabe? He’s not even English and is definitely more boy band than punk. Anddon’t even get me started on his obsession with his hair. Could that guy ownany more hair products?”

“That’s probably why hehas that lucrative endorsement deal with L’oreal.”

“I bet his mother is soproud,” he groaned. “Why do talentless and undeserving losers like thatget the good roles?”

“You’ve been out of thegame for a bit, people tend to move on after you pass on roles,” he offered,albeit weakly. “You experienced a monumental loss and it’s understandablethat you needed some time out but…”

“You’re even starting tosound like a bloody Hallmark movie now.”

“It’s your only chance totry to resurrect your career Klaus, trust me on this.” Klaus was silent,thinking about his options.

Not that Klaus liked toadmit it readily but Lucien was right. But was his career more importantthan his pride? Klaus knew the answer and prepared his response carefully. Hallmarkand their latest Christmas cheese-fest could go fuck themselves. “The female part is being played by Caroline Forbes. She’s a verytalented and versatile actress. Actually grew up in the same town as you, Imean what a coincidence.”

That Klaus wasn’texpecting and he felt his chest constrict and an immediate craving to be closerto her again, if so just to try and make things right. “Fine, I’ll do it.”

It seemed as if Klaus hadcome full circle his worst ever mistake crashing into his second worst. She was just as flawless as he remembered when they met for rehearsals amonth earlier. Even with that scowl plastered firmly on her face, Klaus didn’tthink he’d seen anyone so beautiful. Even her latest insults couldn’t deter hisadmiration. If Klaus could do things differently, he would have.

“Now, that would have tobe your best tantrum by far.”

“If I wanted an audience,little sister, I would have chosen one a lot less sarcastic and hostile.”

“You’re not going to findone, Klaus,” she insisted. “Especially if you keep acting out this way. Noone will ever hire you again.”

“Always the publicist,” hedrawled, rolling his eyes for extra effect. “Did you ever think that maybeI don’t care?”

“And what about Caroline?”His eyes flew to hers, Rebekah always had a tendency to push his buttons andtoday was no exception. Caroline had pursued a modelling career but hadrecently excelled in a few cameo roles. “This is her first leading movie role,do you want to ruin it with such childish behaviour?”

“I’m pretty sure Hallmarkwill do that all on its own,” he joked. “Look, I realise Caroline is oneof your clients but that doesn’t mean you can use our sibling status to guilttrip me into staying. I’m sure that they can recast me with some bland, kendoll type. Maybe the gods are smiling on us and Stefan Salvatore is actuallyfree?”

“No one has chemistry likeyou and Caroline, trust me we’ve all seen it.”

“That was a long timeago.”

“Really? Because from thatforeplay I just saw out there, your connection is stronger thanever.”

Klaus knew it too, notthat he was willing to admit it aloud and to his sister and publicist of allpeople. He loved her, Klaus had never stopped. Suddenly he felt like he’dstepped into some weird, Hallmark vortex.

“Yes, those insults werereally romantic.”

“I know you miss her, weall do” she implored, her hands finding his. Klaus knew they weren’t talkingabout Caroline anymore. “But that’s no reason to throw away your career orCaroline in the process.”

Klaus knew she was right, hedidn’t speak, just squeezed her hands affectionately before making his waytowards her dressing room purposefully.

“If you’re here for roundtwo, I’m not interested,” Caroline scoffed before he could get a word in. Shewas seated at her dressing table and regarding him suspiciously in thereflection of the mirror.

“I don’t know,” he smiled,thinking just how much he’d missed their lively banter. “I thought we’dclocked up at least twenty rounds by now.”

“And to be honest, I’mtired of it,” she sighed, closing those blue eyes momentarily. Klaus knewexactly what she was doing.

After making love they’dlie naked together in the moonlit filled room, their limbs entwined and Klauswould recite all the reasons he loved her. Her creamy skin, her golden waves,her melodic laugh and ability to render him completely useless were frequentmentions but his favourite, he’d say, were her eyes. They were the windows toher soul, he’d say, and Klaus used to murmur that as long as she kept her eyesopen everything would be okay.

“Open your eyes, love,” hemurmured, making his way towards her dressing table and running a hand alongher cheek slowly.

“You don’t deserve that,”she whispered, a single tear making its way down her cheek. “You don’tdeserve me.”

“I don’t,” heagreed. “I lost that right after…” Her eyes flew open as she pushed awayhis hand.

“After you walked out onme,” she sobbed, standing shakily and increasing the distance between them. Shewas wearing a thin dressing gown and Klaus could make out the lace accents ofher underwear and the way they strained against the swell of herbreast.

“I didn’t want to hurtyou..”

“Yet you did exactly that!How long have we known each other Klaus? Twenty years now? We climbed treestogether when we were eight. You took me to my prom senior year and cheered meon at my college graduation. God, we dated for three years but even after wemoved our separate ways for career opportunities we were still close. You wouldcall me whenever Lord of the Rings was on TV because you knew I hated itand recited the dialogue verbatim, then you’d berate the latest tabloid storiesabout my love life because you were the only guy that was worthy of my timeapparently. I can recall so many conversations, so many life events with you presentand that was the thanks I got for being such a loyal friend?”

“I wasn’t in the righthead space that night Caroline, my mother had just died,” he explained. “Iwas spiralling out of control and had been drinking.”

“I wanted to be there foryou the night of her funeral, to support you in your time of need.”

“And I took advantage ofthat,” he murmured, remembering it like it was yesterday.

He’d woken, unsure of hissurroundings at first but then he felt her against his chest. He would neverforget the rhythmic and even sound of her breathing or the fact the thesunlight spilling into the room was highlighting the golden flecks in her hair.She looked like an angel.

He left hurriedly,throwing on his clothes and racing from the hotel room. Klaus knew it wascowardly but having to face her and explain the previous night and hisscrambled emotions was too much after burying his mother yesterday.

As the months passed,Klaus began to miss her name on his caller ID and almost hit the call button amillion times, if only just to hear the sound of her melodic laugh telling himhe was an idiot. But he never called and it was the biggest regret afterleaving her that morning without a goodbye.

“I’d rather not revisitmemory lane,” she said, breaking Klaus from his dream-like trance. “But Iam curious, why are you doing this film? I mean you break out inhives when you even hear the word Hallmark.”

“It was all for you,love.”

“Oh, if that’s a line, I’mso not interested in hearing anything more Mikaelson…”

“It’s not,” he persisted,making his way towards her and placing his hands on her shoulders gently.

Her blue eyes were widenow and Klaus could see that the anger and hostility he’d seen for weeks hadsince been replaced by curiosity and that raw vulnerability he loved so much.He knew there was a brief window, If only he could just explain himselfarticulately. Her vanilla scent was putting him off somewhat, so too her closeproximity. “I needed to be here, I needed to make things right after Iroyally stuffed them up.”

“That’s certainly anunderstatement,” she growled.

“I was scared,” headmitted, fastening a lock of hair behind her ear. “When Esther passed away sosuddenly it knocked me around so much. She was the most important and biggestpresence in my life. That morning when I woke up and saw you lying next to me Iwas so frightened it hurt. The thought of ever losing you, like her, was toomuch to comprehend in my emotional state.” She was silent for a momentobviously processing what he was saying.

“But you walked out onme.”

“I figured that if youweren’t in my life I couldn’t lose you. I know it’s not an excuse but you arethe only woman I’ve ever loved and even if you weren’t in my life I could stillwatch you from afar and it would be okay.”

“But yet you show up onthe set of a Hallmark movie.”

“Obviously that poorlythought rationale didn’t last too long. I was desperate, I wanted you backeven if it was a long shot.” She cocked her left eyebrow curiously, a slightsmile tugging at her lips.

“Do I have this right? You signed up for a Hallmark movie for me?”

“Desperate times and allthat,” he smirked. “Please tell me my efforts haven’t been completelywasted?”

“I’ll tell you what’s beencompletely wasted,” she said, her hands finding their way to his hips andpulling him closer. “Your talents.”

“Huh?”

“Your talents are wastedin this kind of film and we both know it,” she mused. “So, what I want youto do is march out there and tell Enzo you’re quitting.” Obviously she didn’twant to see him again but Klaus couldn’t blame her.

“Do you really hate me thatmuch?”

“I don’t unfortunately,”she teased. “You need to snap out of this funk. Esther wouldn’t want this for you and we both know it. You need to get back tothe roles that made you who you are and you need to stop stalking me too.As much as I appreciate the explanation, you are sounding more like a Hallmarkmovie everyday and I can’t have that.”

“What roles? There are none.”

“I heard about the ClashHBO series, that would be a good start.”

“ApparentlyStefan Salvatore has already been cast,” he groaned, hating the fact he even had to say his name aloud.

“I wouldn’t be so sure,Mikaelson,” she grinned knowingly. “You just need to have a little faithin yourself and your craft.”

“So, if I do all of that,do you think there’s any chance you might ever forgive me for being…”

“The biggest ass in theworld? I’ll think about it,” she smiled, placing a chaste kiss on his nose.Klaus melted into her embrace, not wanting to let go but also glad she’d heardhim out and was willing to consider a future, whatever that might be.

“So, before I go and annoyEnzo, Rebekah and my manager I have one question myself.” She didn’t respondjust raised her eyebrows in preparation. “Why did you take this role? Imean it’s not really your thing either.”

“I already have amodelling career, acting is a hobby right now, but it doesn’t hurt that there’sat least a dozen scripts sitting there for my perusal.”

Klaus looked over at the table,noticing the large volumes of paper for the first time. From this distance he could seethe title Oceans Eight on one of them. He wasn’t sureif it was related to the Soderbergh box office hits but if it was CarolineForbes was going to be a big star.

“And I’ll be therewatching your career unfold from afar, love.” He was gone before she couldrespond. His spirits buoyed and his heart open for the first time in over a year, telling him they’d meet again some day.

So, their ending wasn’t aHallmark one, well not that day anyway. Fast forward two years and Klaus wasstarring in the latest Scorcese film, Caroline in Spielberg.

“So, where can a girl geta drink around here?” He’d know that melodic voice anywhere, his crimson lips curving into a smile.

“I might be able to help you with that.” She sat at the neighbouring barstool her leg grazing his briefly and causing all the familiar feelings to resurface. He said he’d wait and Klaus was hoping she was finally collecting.

“Which is exactly why I came to see you,” she smiled. “We have a lot to talk about, Mikaelson.”

Turns out they did. Exactly three months later the two childhood best friends were married and happened to live happily ever after, just like in fairytale or a really cheesy Hallmark movie.

#not another hallmark movie #klaroline drabbles #misssophiachase #thanks for the awesome prompt #lbeartakestheworld

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imjustthemechanic · 7 years ago

Photo

The Stone Knight

Part 1/? - Two Statues Part 2/? - A Curious Interview Part 3/? - John Doe Part 4/? - Escape Attempt Part 5/? - Making the News Part 6/? - Fallout Part 7/? - More Impossible Part 8/? - The Shield Thieves Part 9/? - Reality Sinks In Part 10/? - Preparing a Quest Part 11/? - The Marvelous History of Sir Stephen Part 12/? - Uninvited Guests

Because clearly what our heroes need at this point is more nasty surprises.

Natasha had met Dr. Yancy Hughes once or twice at university events, and had seen her on the news when she was interviewed in connection with the criminal cases she'd worked on. The woman's maiden name was Chandraprakesh, and she joked that she'd married a man named Hughes deliberately to get rid of it. She was tiny and plump, with dark skin and thick black hair that made her pale green eyes all the more striking.

When the party arried, Dr. Hughes was in her lab giving some students advice on electrophoresis gels. She looked up and smiled at her guests and said, “forget something?”

“I'm sorry?” asked Nat.

“Well, you're back,” Dr. Hughes pointed out.

Nat could feel her stomach sink clear down to her toes. “Was I already here?” she asked. She'd seen Zola take her shape in Inverness. There was no reason why he couldn't do it again.

“Yeah, about twenty minutes ago,” said Dr. Hughes, confused. “Are you okay?”

“Didn't I tell you to ask me for ID?” Nat asked.

“I did!” Dr. Hughes said. “You showed me your driver's permit! It had the little chip on it and everything.”

Nat felt cold. Why hadn't she specified the type of identification? “That would be my Scotland driver's permit?” she asked. Those had a chip in them, like a credit card.

“Yes...” said Dr. Hughes uncertainly. Her students had set their gels down and were watching, curious what was going on.

Natasha pulled a passport-sized booklet out of her purse. “I'm a foreign resident on a teaching visa,” she said, opening the booklet to . “I travel constsantly. I have an international permit, not a Scottish one!”

“Then why did you show me a Scottish one?” asked Dr. Hughes.

“Because that wasn't me!” Nat said.

“It looked like you!” Dr. Hughes protested. “You had ID!”

“Never mind,” Natasha decided. If she tried to explain Dr. Hughes would probably think she was crazy. “Twenty minutes ago, you said. Did you give me the shield?”

“Of course not. Just a sample,” Dr. Hughes said, thoroughly confused. “You said you needed one to get a date from, and you took it from behind the big metal bit in the centre so that it wouldn't...” she stopped talking when she saw her guests' horrified expressions. “Well, where were you planning to take it from? That's the only spot that we can be sure doesn't have any blood on it.”

She didn't even have to explain, Nat thought. Hughes already thought she was crazy. She turned to her companions. “Spread out,” she ordered. “Look for... he won't be me anymore.” How did you recognize a shapeshifter? “Look for anybody suspicious. If you meet with another of our party and you're not sure it's really who it appears to be, the code word will be Volgograd.”

“Got it,” Carter nodded.

“Wait!” Dr. Hughes protested, as they all headed for the door again. “What's going on?”

“We don't know,” Nat replied, which was in a large measure still entirely honest.

At the front door of the Life Sciences building they split up. Carter crossed the street to check around Belmont Flats. Dr. Wilson went to circle the building, Sir Stephen went south to try the car park there, and Nat headed north to check the other lot, outside the Institute of Sport and Exercise. There were three rows of cars there, with three or four people currently getting in or out, or looking for something in the boot. Nat ran up and down the rows, checking back seats and looking at each person and what they were carrying. She got some odd stares, but didn't find anything.

Of course she didn't. Zola had been smart. He'd only taken what he needed, rather than the whole shield, and there was absolutely no reason why he should continue using Nat's appearance after he had what he'd come for. Any one of these people might be him, or they might all be totally uninvolved. Once he was gone, there was no way to ever find him again, and he had a twenty minute head start. He could be halfway to Ediburgh by now.

Several people were staring at Natasha from various corners of the car park. A young woman, all dressed up for some special occasion in a sky-blue sari that kept blowing in her face. A tall man in a dark suit and green tie, frowning in deep disapproval of whatever it was he thought she was doing. A couple of students who had just gotten out of their car, looking worried that they might have done something wrong. Nat sighed, gave them a halfhearted wave, and turned to trudge back to the Life Sciences building.

Dr. Hughes was waiting there. “I had a look around the building,” she said. “Some people said they'd seen you come and go earlier, but nobody saw anything they thought was weird.”

“Password,” Nat prompted.

“Huh? Oh. Volgograd,” said Hughes. “Seriously, what's happening here? Do you have an evil twin or something?”

“Would you believe me if I said yes?” asked Nat.

Hughes thought about it for a few moments. “Maybe?” she admitted.

The others drifted back, one by one, and each gave the password when Natasha demnded. They all looked deeply disheartened, and none of them had found a thing.

“We don't even know who to look for,” Carter said. “He could be anybody.”

“Um... I'm sorry?” Dr. Hughes offered. “Is there anything I can do to help?”

“Not really,” Nat said. “Don't worry about it, it's not your fault. As far as you knew, you were giving it to me. I mean, I had ID and everything, right?” Technically, Dr. Hughes hadn't done anything wrong.

“I guess,” Dr. Hughes said uncertainly, and Nat knew it was going to spend days trying to think of what she could have done differently. Natasha didn't like seeing people feel guilty for things that weren't their fault – that was a waste of guilt in a world where people who did do awful things did them without a qualm.

The group went back to their car, but instead of getting in they stood there leaning on the vehicle, trying to figure out what to do next. This time, it was Dr. Wilson who took charge.

“All right, Sir Steve,” he said. “You obviously had to see this map at some point. What did it look like? Where did you think it was leading you?”

Could they figure out where the Grail was based on a verbal description of the map? That seemed unlikely – after all, at the time Sir Stephen had been turned to stone, or whatever it was that had happened, he still hadn't found it despite having the map itself.

“It was engraved on the back of a piece of blue-green stone, the upper surface of which was carved as an Egyptian scarab,” Sir Stephen explained. “Or so its keeper told me, at least. I do not personally know what sort of beetles they have in Egypt. Has anyone a quill and some vellum?”

Carter passed him a pen and a notepad without a word.

“There were thirteen marks, or so we believe,” Sir Stephen said, drawing dots on the paper. “The stone was quite damaged and it was hard to tell if some of them were intentional parts of the engraving. Twelve were in an oval, and the thirteenth was here.” He drew a rough ellipse of dots, and then one at what seemed to be one of the foci.

“That looks almost like an astronomical diagram,” Natasha observed. She'd seen drawings in textbooks that were supposed to be planetary orbits – according to Kepler's laws, those were ellipses with the sun at a focus. But Kepler hadn't come along until the seventeenth century, well after Sir Stephen's time. Not to mention a scarab signet, which was what Sir Stephen seemed to be describing, would already have been over a thousand years old by the time anybody gave it to him.

“What did you think it meant?” asked Dr. Wilson.

“Supposedly there were at one time six such scarabs,” Sir Stephen said, “which together made a map to where the sorcerer Hermes Trimegistus had hidden objects too powerful for any human being to use. The other five had been destroyed or lost, but this was passed down by the Magi. It looked to us like one of the circles of stones you find in the north.”

“Like the ones near Gran's place in the Orkneys!” DI Carter said. She studied the diagram a moment, then pulled out her phone. “Google Earth, don't fail me now!” she said, and began typing something in.

Sir Stephen and Dr. Wilson moved closer to look over her shoulder, but then Nat's own phone rang. She pulled it out to see who was calling, and found that it was Sue. Hopefully it was something important – Nat didn't have time for frivolous stuff right now. She stepped away from the group and put the phone to her ear.

“Hello?” she asked.

“Natalie, oh, thank goodness!” said Sue. “Are you still on campus?”

“Yes,” said Nat. “I'm... I'm at Dr. Hughes' building. We're... trying to find an address,” she said, glancing at Carter and her google search.

“I need you up here in the office,” Sue said. “Quickly, please.”

“Why? What's going on?” asked Nat, as her imagination tossed out a dozen horrible possibilities. Was Zola in thre? Was a crazed gunman holding the department hostage? Had the row of fairy figurines Sue kept on the shelf above her desk come to life and started causing mischief? It didn't seem like today had room for anything else to go wrong, but at the same time, with the rules of the universe apparently out the window, the possibilities for what might go wrong were endless.

“Just come up,” Sue said. “Hurry!” And with that, she ended the call.

Nat groaned out loud.

“Now what's wrong?” asked Dr. Wilson.

At least he agreed with her that this was getting to be ridiculous. “I don't know, she wouldn't tell me,” said Nat. “Come with me, my office is this way.” She had a bad feeling about this, and wanted the others with her. That way if she ended up facing any more nonsense, she'd at least have somebody to share it with. She stuck her phone back in her purse, and took off at a fast walk across the campus.

The building was still standing – that was a good sign. Even so, Nat decided she couldn't risk taking the elevator and instead ran up the steps as fast as she could. Sir Stephen was right behind her, with Carter and Wilson bringing up the rear. The closer they got, the worse was Nat's sense of foreboding. What had been going on that Sue could make a phone call and ask her to come, but not tell her why? Nat thought back to the people she'd seen in the car park. Who had the man in the suit been? Was he involved in this? Was the woman in the sari really Zola in disguise?

By the time she reached the doors of the archaeology office, Nat was running. She burst into the room, startling Sue, who jumped up from her desk with a hand over her heart.

“Oh, it's only you, Natalie,” she said.

Nat looked around. Nothing was obviously out of place. The only other person presentwas a man with shaggy graying hair who'd been helping himself to coffee when Nat's entry surprised him, too. Everything appeared to be normal... which made Natasha's spirits sink yet further as she realized she'd been tricked again. Zola wasn't in here. More likely he was the one who'd made the call, mimicking Sue's voice the way he'd mimicked the reporter's when he called Dr. Wilson – and now Nat and the others were here while he escaped the campus.

Or perhaps not, because as soon as Sue had recovered from her surprise, she gave Nat a beaming smile. “Surprise!” she said.

She was looking at the man with the coffee. Puzzled, Nat followed her gaze.

“Hi, Ginger Snap,” said the man. He was not quite six feet tall, dressed in a camo-green down jacket over a sweater with a patterned yoke, and a pair of aged jeans. Though in his late sixties, he still had all his hair, and his eyes were pale blue, like Natasha's own – and he was holding out his left arm, the one he wasn't using to hold a paper coffee cup, as if he were expecting a hug.

Nat took a step backward, feeling sick. She knew who he looked like he was – she had a reasonably clear mental picture of the man – but he didn't exist. He existed even less than Sir Stephen of Rogsey existed. Sir Stephen was presumably a fourteenth-century compilation of earlier legends that probably had some basis in history, however unrecognizable that might be after three centuries of retelling. Allen Rushman, on the other hand, was somebody Natasha herself had made up out of whole cloth, to add some flavour to her biography.

She'd just about managed to cope with Sir Stephen, but how was she supposed to deal with her fictional father, standing in front of her in the flesh?

#fanfic #natasha romanov #black widow #captain america #steve rogers #sharon carter #agent 13 #sam wilson #falcon

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seokpapi-blog · 7 years ago

Text

CHARCOAL (M) | kth

“The thing with Taehyung is that he use his hands a lot while drawing and get his fingers stained with charcoal, a lot. But when I come back home later, I love to see the same black prints all over my body.”

+Pairing: Taehyung x femlale MC ft Seokjin +Genre: College!AU, Artist!kth +Warnings: sexual assault victim +Note: GUYS! This is an adaptation of the book “Easy” by Tammara Webber. I decided to start like this because im not sure of my writing skill yet, so enjoy!

01 02 03 04 05

“Kim T, I’m having more trouble with the current material than I let on, but I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to make it to one of your tutoring sessions. Too bad for both of us that my ex didn’t dump me early enough in the semester to drop this class! (No offense. You’re probably an econ major and like this stuff.) I’ve started researching online journals for the project. Thanks for decoding Dr. Park’s notes before sending them to me. If you’d have forwarded them without a translation, I’d be searching for a tall building/ overpass/ water tower from which to yell “goodbye cruel world.” Y/N”

“Y/N, Please, no leaping from towering structures. Do you have any idea how much damage that would do to my tutoring reputation?? If nothing else, think of the effect on me. ;) I create worksheets for the tutoring sessions. I’ve attached the past three weeks’ worth. Use them as study guides, or fill them in and send them back to me, and we’ll see where you’re getting confused. Actually, I’m an engineering major, but we have to take econ. I think everyone should, though – it’s a good starting point for explaining how money, politics and commerce work together to create the total chaos that is our economic system. KT PS – How did the regional competitions go? And btw, your ex is obviously a moron.”

I downloaded the worksheets, turning over his last statement in my mind. Whether my tutor knew Seokjin or not—unlikely, given the size of the university and their differing majors—he’d taken my side. Me, a girl so absurdly unhinged by a breakup that she’d skipped class for two weeks.

He was smart and funny, and after only three days, I already looked forward to his name in my inbox, our back-and-forth banter. All of a sudden, I wondered what he looked like. God. Just yesterday, I’d left class telling myself to ignore the brooding stares of a guy in class because I needed time to get over Seokjin’s desertion.

It didn’t matter. I needed time to recover, even if Kim was right. Even if Kennedy was a moron.

I clicked on the first worksheet and opened my econ text, and breathed a sigh of relief.

“Kim, The worksheets are definitely going to help. I already feel less scared of failing this class. I did the first two - when you have time, could you look them over? Thank you again for wasting your time on me. I’ll try to get caught up quickly. I’m not used to being the student who’s a pain in the butt.

I had two freshmen from rival schools in competition with each other at regionals. Both asked me, separately thank God, who was my favorite. (I told each of them, “You are, of course.” Was that wrong??) They were very smug with each other when they came to get their basses from my truck, and I prayed that neither would mention the favorite status in front of the other. BOYS.

Engineering? Wow. No wonder you seem so brainy.

Y/N”

"Y/N, The worksheets look great. I marked a couple of minor mistakes that could trip you up on an exam, so check those.

Ah, sounds like your freshmen have crushes on you? Not surprised. A bass-playing college girl would have rendered me speechless at 14.

Of course I’m brainy! I’m the all-knowing tutor. And in case you’re wondering - yes, you’re my favorite. ;)

KT”

Saturday night, Elee was once again threatening to drag me out of our room, ignoring my protests and reluctance. This time, three of us were heading to the strip to hit some clubs with our fake IDs.

“Don’t you remember how the party last weekend went for me?” I asked when she shoved a clingy black dress into my outspread arms. Of course she didn’t remember; I hadn’t told her. All she knew was that I’d bailed early.

“Y/N, babe, I know this is hard. But you can’t let Seokjin win! You can’t let him make you a hermit, or keep you scared of falling for someone new. God, I love this part of it—the hunt for a new guy, everything unknown, untried—the mass of hot prospects in front of you, waiting to be discovered. If I didn’t lust after Jongkyung so hard, I’d be jealous of you.”

The way she described it, the process sounded like an expedition to an exotic continent. I didn’t share her feelings, not in the least. The idea of finding a new guy sounded exhausting and depressing. “Elee, I don’t think I’m ready—”

“That’s what you said last weekend, and you did fine!” She frowned, thinking, and for the hundredth time, I almost told her about Junmin. “Even if you did leave early.” She rehung the black dress I didn’t intend to wear, and I held my tongue, losing my chance again. I wasn’t sure why I couldn’t tell her. I was mostly afraid she’d be infuriated. More unreasonably, I was afraid she’d be disbelieving. Neither response was something I wanted to contend with; I just wanted to forget.

I thought of Taehyung, annoyed that his presence in econ was making that process impossible, because he was irrevocably connected to the horror of that night. He’d not looked at me at all Friday—as far as I knew. Every time I snuck a look back at him, he appeared to be sketching rather than taking notes, his black pencil held low between his fingers, a concentrated expression on his face. When class ended, he stuck the pencil behind his ear, turned and walked from the classroom without a backward glance, first one out the door.

“Now this will show off the goods,” Elee said, breaking into my reverie. Next up was a stretchy, low-cut purple top. Yanking it from the hanger, she tossed it to me. “Put on your skinny jeans and those badass boots. This fits your tough, I’m-a-challenge mood better anyway. You have to dress to attract the right guys, and if I make you too cute, you’ll flick them all away with glares and irritated rolls of your eyes.”

I sighed and she laughed, pulling the black dress over her own head. Elee knew me far too well.

I’d lost count of the number of drinks Elee had pressed into my hand, telling me that since she was the designated driver, I was required to drink for two. “I can’t touch any of these hotties, either—so I have to live vicariously. Now finish that margarita, stop scowling, and stare at one of these guys until he knows he won’t lose a limb if he asks you to dance.”

“I’m not scowling!” I scowled, obeying and tossing the drink back. I grimaced. Cheap tequila refused to be concealed by an abundance of even cheaper margarita mix, but that’s what you get for no cover charge and five dollar drinks.

Still relatively early, the small club we decided to occupy for the night wasn’t yet overcrowded with the hundreds of college students and townies it would hold soon. Elee, Mina and I claimed a corner of the near-vacant floor. Having downed the drinks and dressed the part, I moved to the music, gradually loosening up while laughing at Elee’s cheer poses and Mina’s ballet movements. The first guy to interrupt us approached Elee, but she shook her head as her lips mouthed the word boyfriend. She turned him toward me and I thought: That’s me: SINGLE. No more relationship. No more Seokjin. No more You’re my Kkul.

“Wanna dance?” the guy yelled over the music, fidgeting as though he was ready to bolt if I turned him down. I nodded, choking back the pointless, almost physical pain. I was no one’s girlfriend, for the first time in three years.

We moved to an open space a few feet from Elee and Mina—who also had a boyfriend. It didn’t take long to figure out that the two of them planned to point every guy who asked one of them to dance at me. I was their pet project for the night.

Two hours later, I’d danced with too many guys to remember, dodging wandering hands and turning down any drinks not handed to me by Elee. Crowded around a tall table near the floor, we leaned hips on the barstools surrounding it, watching the surrounding hookup activity. As Mina returned from bopping and pirouetting her way to the bathroom and back, I asked if we could go yet, and Elee fixed me with a look she usually reserved for ill-mannered steakhouse patrons. I smirked at her and sipped my drink.I knew when the next guy walked up behind me, and that Elee and Mina approved, because their eyes widened simultaneously, focusing over my shoulder. Fingers grazed the back of my arm, and I took a deep breath and exhaled it slowly before turning around.

Good thing, too—because it was Taehyung who stood there, his eyes dropping to my cleavage for a split second. He crooked an eyebrow and gazed into my eyes with a faint smile, unapologetic for looking. The heels on my boots were killing my feet, but they weren’t tall enough to bring me eye-to-eye. Rather than raising his voice like everyone else, he leaned close to my ear and asked, “Dance with me?” I felt his warm breath and inhaled the scent of his aftershave—something basic and male—before he withdrew, his eyes on mine, waiting for my answer. An enthusiastic nudge between my shoulder blades told me Elee’s vote: go dance with him.

I nodded, and he took my hand and made his way to the floor, maneuvering through the crowd, which parted easily for him. Once we reached the worn oak floor, he turned and pulled me close, never letting go of my hand. As we found the rhythm of the slow-paced song, swaying together, he took my other hand in his and moved both hands behind my back, gently holding me captive. My breasts grazed against his chest and I struggled not to gasp at the subtle contact. I’d barely let anyone else touch me at all tonight, adamantly refusing all slow dances. Dizzy from weak-but-plentiful margaritas, I closed my eyes and let him lead, telling myself that the difference was the alcohol in my blood, nothing more. A minute later, he released my fingers and spread his hands across my lower back, and my hands moved to his biceps. Solid, as I knew they would be. Tracking a path, my palms encountered equally hard shoulders.

Finally, I hooked my fingers behind his neck and opened my eyes. His gaze was penetrating, not wavering for a moment, and my pulse hammered under his silent scrutiny. Finally, I stretched up toward his ear, and he leaned down to accommodate my question. “S-so what’s your major?” I breathed.From the corner of my eye, I watched his mouth twitch up on one side. “Do you really want to talk about that?” He maintained the closeness, our torsos pressed together chest to thigh, ostensibly waiting for my answer. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been so full of pure, unqualified desire.I swallowed. “As opposed to talking about what?” He chuckled, and I felt the vibrations of his chest against mine. “As opposed to not talking.” His hands at my waist gripped a little tighter, thumbs pressing into my ribcage, fingers still at my lower back. I blinked, one moment not understanding what his words implied, and the next knowing unreservedly. “I don’t know what you mean,” I lied. He leaned closer still, his smooth cheek whispering against mine as he murmured “Yes, you do.” Struck again by his scent—clean and subtle. I felt an impulse to bring my fingertips to his face and trail them over his jaw. His skin would feel so soft againstt mine now if he kissed me, hard. I would feel nothing but his mouth on mine—and maybe that slim ring at the edge of his lip…The errant thought made my breath catch. When his lips touched just south of my earlobe, I thought I might pass out. “Let’s just dance,” he said. Pulling back just far enough to stare into my eyes, he drew my body against his, and my legs obeyed where his said to go.

“Bitch, who was that hot guy?” Elee carefully maneuvered her daddy-furnished Volvo sedan around the people weaving drunkenly through the parking lot. “If I wasn’t stone cold sober, I’d think he was a figment of my sex-starved imagination.”

“Psshh,” I mumbled, eyes closed, my spinning head lolling back against the headrest. “Don’t even talk to me about sex-starved.”

A minute later, Mina piped up from the back seat. “You haven’t answered the question, Y/N!” Her speech was almost as slurred as mine, my name pronounced in distinct syllables. “Who was that beautiful guy, and more importantly, why didn’t you solve your sex-starvedness with him? Holy hell, I think I’d be willing to boot Jinyoung outta bed for a night with him!”

“Slut,” Elee said, rolling her eyes into her rearview mirror.

Mina laughed. “In this case… Hell. Yeah.”

They both grew quiet, staring at me, waiting for me to reveal who he was. I mentally sorted through everything I knew about him. He’d saved me from Junmin’s attack, which I hadn’t told anyone about. He’d beaten the crap out of Junmin, which I likewise hadn’t told anyone. He’d stared at me all through economics on Wednesday, and then ignored me completely on Friday, which I hadn’t told anyone. He worked at the Coffe. And he kept asking me if I was okay… but he hadn’t asked me that tonight.

Tonight had been something else altogether. By unspoken agreement, we’d danced several dances without stopping—slow, fast, and everything in between. His hands never left my body, triggering an upsurge of longing I’d not felt in a very long time—longer than four or five weeks ago. His hands hadn’t wandered inappropriately, his fingers not even teasing beneath the fabric of my top at the waist, but they’d seared the skin beneath regardless.

And then he disappeared. Bending, his lips next to my ear, he thanked me for the dances, led me back to my table, and vanished into the throng of people. I hadn’t seen him again, and could only assume he’d left the club.

“His name is Taehyung. He’s in my economics class. And he draws stuff.”

Mina began giggling and slapped the leather seat. “He draws stuff? What kind of stuff? Naked girls? That’s pretty much the extent of most guys’ artistic endeavors. Usually not even whole girls. Just boobs.”

Elee laughed along with her. “I don’t know what he draws. He was just… sketching something in class Friday. I don’t think he listened to the lecture at all.”

“Oh no, Elee!” Maggie leaned as far up as her seatbelt would allow. “Sounds like that god of a man is a bad student. We know what that means for Y/N.”

I frowned. “What does it mean?”

Elee shook her head, smiling. “Come on, Y/N—have you ever in your life been attracted to a bad boy? Or a boy who’s, um, academically challenged? In other words, a boy who isn’t—gasp!—a brainiac?”

My mouth fell open. “Shut up! Are you saying I’m an intellectual snob?”

“No! We didn’t say you were—we don’t mean that. We just mean… you sure didn’t look indifferent to this Taehyung guy tonight, while you two danced together for like ever, and it sounds like he’s maybe not your usual type—” “My only ‘type’ has been Seokjin for the past three years! Who knows what my type is?” “Don’t get huffy. You know what I mean—you don’t even crush on dumb guys.” “Well, who does?” I rebelled against the idea that Taehyung was dumb. Maybe he was unmotivated in economics, but nothing about him seemed unintelligent.

“And all of this talk is for—?”

Elee grinned at me. “You’re ready for a new man, my girl.”

“Ooohhh,” Mina sighed.

“Um. I don’t think—”

“Exactly. Don’t think. You’re gonna seduce this Taehyung guy and rebound the hell out of him. That’s the thing about boys—they don’t have any qualms about being the rebound guy because they don’t hang around for long anyway. He probably lives for being the rebound guy—especially in a situation like this, where he’ll get to teach you all sorts of naughty stuff.”

Mina endorsed Elee’s crazy idea with one heavily sighed word. “Lucky.”

I thought of Taehyung’s hands at my waist, his mouth grazing my ear, and I shivered. I recalled his penetrating gaze Wednesday during class, and the breath in my lungs went shallow. Maybe I was experiencing alcohol perspective, and everything would look different tomorrow—but at the moment, Elee’s crazy idea was starting to sound almost not crazy.

I was a ball of nerves as I approached the classroom Monday morning, unsure if I should initiate the man-snaring strategy I’d agreed to test on my unsuspecting classmate, or abandon it fully while I still could. He walked into the room ahead of me, and I watched his eyes flick over my recently assigned seat, and the vacant one next to Seokjin, who was already seated, thank God. I had about thirty seconds to reconsider the whole thing.

Go time.

I took a deep breath. I had three minutes until class started. Elee said I needed one minute, no more than two. “But two is pushing it,” she insisted, “because then you look too interested. One is better.”

I slid into the seat next to him, but perched on the edge, making it obvious that I had no intention of remaining. His eyes snapped to mine immediately, dark brows disappearing into that messy hair falling over his forehead. His eyes were almost colorless. I’d never seen anyone with eyes so light.

He was definitely startled by my appearance next to him. Good, according to Elee and Mina.

“Hey,” I said, a subtle smile on my lips, hoping I appeared somewhere between interested and indifferent. According to Elee and Mina, that impression was a vital part of the strategy.

“Hey.” He opened his econ text, concealing the open sketchbook in front of him. Before he obscured it, I caught a detailed illustration of the venerated old oak tree in the center of campus.

I swallowed. Interested and indifferent. “So, it just occurred to me that I don’t remember your name from the other night. Too many margaritas, I guess.”

He wet his lips and stared at me a moment before answering, and I blinked, wondering if he was purposefully making my loosely-sustained indifference more challenging to maintain. “It’s Taehyung. And I don’t think I gave it.”

In the next moment, Dr. Park entered noisily near the podium, catching his handled case in the door. An audible, “Dammit,” echoed through the lecture hall, thanks to the planned acoustics of the room. Taehyung and I smiled at each other as our fellow classmates tittered.

“So… you, um, called me Kkul, before?” I said, and his head tilted slightly. “My name is actually Y/N…”

His brows drew down slightly. “Okay.”

I cleared my throat and stood—surprising him again, judging by his expression. “Nice to meet you, Taehyung.” I smiled again before turning away and darting to my assigned seat.

Keeping my attention on the lecture and defying the compulsion to peek over my shoulder was excruciating. I was sure I felt Taehyung’s eyes boring into the back of my head. Like an out-of-reach itch, the sensation nettled me for fifty minutes straight, and it took herculean effort to refrain from turning around.

Unknowingly, Jungkook helped by making distracting observations on Dr. Park, like tallying the number of times he said, “Uuummm,” during the lecture with marks at the top of his notebook, and pointing out the fact that our professor was sporting one navy and one brown sock.

Instead of lingering at the end of class to see what Taehyung would do (speak to me or ignore me?), instead of waiting for Seokjin to leave (funny, I’d paid scant attention to him for the past hour—that was a first), I swung my backpack onto my shoulder and practically sprinted from the room without looking at either of them. Emerging from the side door into the crisp fall air, I sucked in a deep breath.

When Elee and I joined the line at the Coffe, I didn’t see Taehyung.

“Rats.” She craned her neck, making sure he wasn’t one of the people behind the counter. “He was here last Monday, right?”

I shrugged. “Yeah, but his work schedule is probably unpredictable.”

She elbowed me lightly. “Not so much. That’s him there, right?”

He came through a door to the back with an industrial-sized bag of coffee. My physical reaction to him was unnerving. It was as though my insides all clenched up at the sight of him, and when they unwound, everything restarted at once—my heart rate accelerating, lungs pumping air, brainwaves running amok.

“Ooh, Y/N, he’s got ink, too,” Elee murmured appreciatively. “Just when I didn’t think he could get any hotter…”

My eyes fell to his forearms, flexing as he sliced the bag open. Tattooed designs wrapped around his wrists, contiguous symbols and script running up both arms and disappearing into the sleeves of the gray knit shirt, which were shoved above his elbows. I’d never seen him without his sleeves pulled to the wrists. Even Saturday night, he’d worn long sleeves—a faded black button-down, open over a white t-shirt.

Now, I wondered how far the tattoos spread—just the sleeves of his arms? His back? His chest?

Elee tugged my arm as the line moved forward. “You’re botching our carefully crafted indifferent act, by the way. Not that I can blame you.” She sighed. “Maybe we should bail now before he—”

I glanced at her when she fell silent, and watched a devious smile cross her face as she turned to me.

“Keep looking at me,” she said, laughing as though we were having an amusing conversation. “He’s staring at you. And I mean staring. That boy is undressing you with his eyes. Can you feel it?” Her expression was triumphant.

Could I feel his stare? I can now, thanks, I thought. My face heated.

“Hoe, you’re blushing,” she whispered, her dark eyes widening.

“No shit.” My teeth were clenched, voice tight. “Stop telling me he’s—he’s—”

“Undressing you with his eyes?” She laughed again and I’d never wanted to kick her more. “Okay, okay—but Y/N, do not worry. You’ve got this. I don’t know what you’ve done to him, but he’s ready to sit up and beg. Trust me.” She glanced in his direction. “Okay, he’s starting a new batch of coffee now. You can do your own staring.”

We stepped closer; there were only two people in front of us. I watched Taehyung replace the filter, measure out the coffee, and set the controls. His green apron was haphazardly secured in the back—more of a knot than a bow.

He turned then, eyes on the second register as he punched buttons and brought it to life. I wondered if he planned to ignore me as I had him during class. It would serve me right, playing this game. Just as the guy in front of me began his detailed drink order to the girl at the first register, Taehyung’s gaze swung up to meet mine. “Next?” The steel gray of his shirt set off the gray in his eyes, the blue disappearing. “Y/N.” He greeted me with a smirk, and I worried that he could read my mind, and the devious plans Elee had implanted in it. “Americano today, or something else?”

He remembered my drink order from a week ago.

I nodded, and he flashed a barely-there grin at my bemusement, ringing up the order and printing the cup with a sharpie. Instead of passing it to a coworker, though, he made the drink himself.

He added a protective sleeve and a lid and handed me the cup. I couldn’t read his trace of a smile. “Have a nice day.” Looking over my shoulder, he said, “Next?”

I joined Elee at the pick-up counter, confused and sulking.

“He made the drink for you?” She retrieved her drink and followed me to the condiment counter.

“Yeah.” I removed the lid and added sugar and milk while she shook cinnamon over her latte. “But he just handed it over like I was any other customer and took the next guy’s order.” We watched him interact with customers. He didn’t once glance my way.

“I could have sworn he was so into you he couldn’t see straight,” she mused as we left, rounding a corner to join the mass of people flowing through the student center.

“Hey, baby!” Jongkyung’s voice pulled both of us from our thoughts. He snatched Elee out of the flow of people and I followed, laughing at her delighted squeal until I noticed the guy standing next to him.

My face went hot, blood pounding in my ears. As our friends kissed hello and began talking about what time they each got off work tonight, Junmi stared down at me, his mouth turning up on one side. My breath came in pants and I fought to keep the rising panic and nausea under control. I wanted to turn and run, but I was immobilized.

He couldn’t touch me here. He couldn’t hurt me here.

“Hey, Kkul.” His piercing gaze roamed over me and my skin crawled. “Lookin’ good, as always.” His words gushed flirtation, but all I felt was the threat underneath, intended or not.

The bruises had faded from his face, but weren’t entirely gone. One yellowish streak ringed his left eye, and another brushed along the right side of his nose like a pale smear. Taehyung had given him those, and only the three of us knew it. I stared back, mute, the coffee clutched in my hand. I’d once thought this boy handsome and charming—the all-American veneer he wore fooling me as thoroughly as it fooled everyone else.

I raised my chin, ignoring my physical reaction to him, and the fear causing it. “It’s Y/N.”

He cocked one eyebrow, confused. “Huh?”

Elee grabbed my elbow. “Come on, hot stuff. Don’t you have art history in like five minutes?”

I stumbled slightly as I turned and followed her, and he issued a soft, taunting laugh as I passed him. “See you around, Y/N” he teased.

My name in his mouth sent a tremor through me, and I trailed behind Elee into the sea of students. Once I could move, I couldn’t get away from him fast enough.

Elee: Do you still have your coffee cup?

Me: Yes?

Elee: Take the sleeve off

Me: BITCH

Elee: His phone number?

Me: How did you know???

Elee: I’m Elee. I know all.

If Elee hadn’t texted me during class, that cup, and his number, would have been pitched into the hallway wastebasket.

So… Taehyung wasn’t writing an unnecessary drink order onto my cup, he was giving me his phone number. I entered it into my phone, wondering what I was meant to do with it. Call him? Text him?

I thought about what I knew of him: He’d come out of nowhere the night of the party. After putting a stop to the attack, some further protective trait had obliged him to see me safely back to the dorm. He’d somehow known my name that night—my nickname—but I’d never noticed him before.

He sat in the back row in economics, sketching or staring at me instead of paying attention to the lecture. Saturday night, the firm touch of his hands as we danced made my head swim, before he disappeared without explanation. He’d undressed me with his eyes, Elee said. He was cocky and self-sure. Tattooed and too hot for words.

And now, his number was programmed into my phone. It was as though he knew all about my desesperation to see another dick, and he was as willing and eager to cooperate as my friends believed he’d be.

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onlovestreetwithjimmorrison · 7 years ago

Text

Mary and Jim to the end

Before Jim Morrison became famous with the Doors, he and Mary Werbelow were soul mates. In the never-ending procession of Morrison biographies, she is mentioned briefly but never quoted. Google her, and not a single photo appears. She has never spoken publicly about their three years together - until now.

By ROBERT FARLEY Published September 25, 2005

[Courtesy of Mike Sanders]

WHERE THEY MET:

Clearwater Beach, Pier 60. Mary was in high school, Jim just finished a year at St. Pete Junior College. His second cousin, Gail Swift, who lived in Clearwater, says their relationship was intense: “I think they answered a lonely call inside each other.”

Go to photo gallery

BEAUTY CONTESTANT:

Mary, at 18, competed for the title of Miss Clearwater 1963. The Clearwater Pass Bridge is behind her.

[Courtesy of Clearwater Public Library]

Mary Werbelow is polite but firm: She doesn't do interviews. Ever.

Jim Morrison was her first love, before he got famous with the Doors. Friends from Clearwater say that for three years in the early 1960s, Jim and Mary were inseparable. He mourns their breakup in the Doors' ballad The End.

For nearly 40 years, all manner of people have tracked Mary down and asked for her story, including Oliver Stone, when he was making his movie starring Val Kilmer as Jim. Others waved money. Always she said thank you, no.

"I have spoken to no one."

She can't see what good could come of it; some things are just meant to be kept private. Besides, journalists always get it wrong. They focus on Jim Morrison as drunk, drug abuser, wild man. They don't know his sensitivity and intellect, his charm and humor.

"They take a part of him and sensationalize that. People don't really know Jim. They don't really have a clue."

Mary is afraid to share. Because nobody could ever fully understand him, or her, or them. Not to mention how painful it is, even 40 years later, to relive something she would rather forget. She still aches for love lost; her regret never relents.

She lives in California, alone, in an aging mobile home park. By phone she is told that back in Clearwater, to make way for condos they're tearing down the house on N Osceola Avenue, the place Jim lived in when they met. His room was in back, books stacked everywhere save for the path to his bed.

"That was a lovely home," Mary says. "It's a shame to knock it down."

Across a dozen conversations, she amplifies on stories the old Clearwater crowd tells, and adds some of her own. She says she's not sure why she's talking now. Maybe it's just time.

SUMMER 1962, CLEARWATER:

Nine years before Jim died

Mary and best friend Mary Wilkin spread their beach blanket near Pier 60. Our Mary was 17, wearing a black one-piece, cut all the way down the back, square in front - a little daring for the time, especially for a buttoned-down Catholic girl.

Amid the flattops on the pier, the guy with the mop of hair stood out.

Jim had been sent here by his father, then a Navy captain, after he blew off his high school graduation ceremony in Virginia. He had just finished the year at St. Petersburg Junior College and lived with his grandparents, who ran a coin laundry on Clearwater-Largo Road.

On her beach towel, Mary turned to her friend and uttered the first sexual comment of her life:

"Wow, look at those legs!"

Jim tagged along when his friend came over to flirt with Mary Wilkin. He told our Mary he was a regular pro at the game of matchsticks, a mental puzzle in which the matches are laid out in rows, like a pyramid. Loser picks up the last one.

Jim challenged Mary and suggested they spice things up with a wager. If she won?

"You'll have to be my slave for the day."

If he won? Mary had to watch beach basketball with him.

As Mary's first command, she marched Jim to the barber. She was just finishing her junior year at Clearwater High, where all the boys had flattops; she was not going to be seen with such a hairy mess.

"Shorter," she told the barber.

"Shorter.

"Shorter."

To a buzz cut.

He must really like me, Mary thought. I'll see if I still dig him by the time his hair grows out, and if I do, it won't matter.

Slave order No. 2: Iron and clean. And wash her black Plymouth, a.k.a. "The Bomb."

Jim had begun the wax job when Mary's father rescued him with a picnic basket and suggested the couple adjourn to the Clearwater Causeway.

To cap slave day, Mary had Jim chauffeur her to St. Pete, in the shiny Bomb, to see the movie West Side Story.

Mary was on the high school homecoming court. Her friends did cotillion dances at the Jack Tar Harrison Hotel, hit Brown Brothers dairy store for burgers and malts, and shopped Mertz's records for Ben E. King, Del Shannon and Elvis Presley.

Hair shorn, Jim still attracted attention, shy behind granny glasses, army jacket and a conductor's hat. The local law stopped him multiple times to check his ID.

He read his poetry at the avant-garde Beaux Arts coffeehouse in Pinellas Park and visited St. Pete's only live burlesque show, at the Sun Art Theater on Ninth Street.

Friends who thought they knew Mary couldn't fathom why she would want to hang out with the likes of Jim Morrison.

What they didn't know was how out of place Mary felt in her social circle. Jim talked like no one she had met.

"We're just going to talk in rhymes now," he would say.

He recited long poems from memory. "Listen to this, listen to this," he'd say, "Tiger, tiger, burning bright . . ." - excited, like it was breaking news, not William Blake.

This was not puppy love, Mary says, like the earlier boyfriend who played guitar, wrote songs and serenaded her by phone. This was different. This was intense.

"We connected on a level where speaking was almost unnecessary. We'd look at each other and know what we were thinking."

She liked her alone time, in her bedroom, dancing and drawing.

Jim liked his alone time, in his bedroom, reading.

They skipped dances and football games and hung out, at her house, his grandparents' house, wherever.

"I hated to let him go at night. I couldn't shut the door."

When it came to sex, Mary's answer was no.

"It was not happening. And it didn't for a long time. I'm surprised he held out that long."

Mary's grandparents were strict Catholics. She had visions of them at the last judgment, watching her. "It was too much for me to bear."

The poet

Everybody, everybody, remembers the notebooks. Any time, any place, Jim would fish one from his back pocket, scribble and chuckle.

Chris Kallivokas, Bryan Gates and Tom Duncan. And Phil Anderson, George Greer, Ruth Duncan, Gail Swift and Mary. They all remember.

Around Jim, you always felt watched. He'd bait and goad, get a rise, take notes. "There was no one who wasn't under observation," Gates says. "His only purpose in life was observation."

When Jim drove, Mary kept a notebook at the ready.

"Write this!" he'd say, dictating an observation. Or he'd pull over and scribble himself.

Everyone has a story about Jim's brainy side. Kallivokas remembers the night his Clearwater High buddies and a new kid came by Alexander's Sundries, his father's drugstore on Clearwater Beach. They wanted Kallivokas to come party, but he had a term paper due the next day, on Lord Essex. Naturally, he had written all of two sentences.

"I know all about him," the new kid volunteered. Jim wrote the paper off the top of his head, with footnotes and bibliography.

"To this day, I don't know if it was right," says Kallivokas, who says he got an A+

They would rag Jim that the books crowding his living space were for show. He'd look away and challenge nonbelievers to pick any book and read the beginning of any chapter. He'd name the book, the author and more context than they cared to hear.

"He was a genius," Mary says. "He was incredible."

She says his heroes were William Burroughs, William Blake, Hieronymus Bosch, Norman Mailer, Friedrich Nietzsche, Karl Marx, Arthur Rimbaud, Aldous Huxley, Jack Kerouac.

Mary didn't have heroes like that. "Jim was my hero."

The provocateur

Pre-Mary, Jim's buddy Phil Anderson brought him to a house party on Clearwater Beach.

Jim was dazzling with the dictionary game. People would pick obscure words, and Jim would tell the definitions.

Phil turned, and his pal was standing on the couch, peeing on the floor. "Needless to say, we were asked to leave."

That was Jim. He'd charm, then provoke. It was worse when he drank.

He got epically drunk on Chianti at the all-day car races in Sebring, crawled around in a white fake fur coat like a polar bear covered in dirt and tried to launch himself onto the track. Friends grabbed his ankles.

"He'd get a real pleasure out of shocking people and being a little eccentric and peculiar," Kallivokas says. "And that came to the forefront when he had a couple drinks."

Mary says he rarely drank in her presence.

"It was out of respect for me. We were in love, and he didn't want to do things that I didn't like."

"That's a real key to understanding Jim," Gates says. "She was the love of his life in those days. They were virtually soul mates for three or four years."

In the fall, Jim transferred to Florida State. Most weekends, rain or shine, he hitchhiked back to Clearwater, 230 miles down U.S. 19. Most days in between, letters postmarked Tallahassee arrived at the Werbelow mailbox on Nursery Road.

Mary's father intercepted one, read the page about sex and never got to the part that made clear Jim was writing about a class. Furious at her father's snooping, she burned all Jim's letters, a move she came to regret, deeply.

She wasn't much of a letter writer herself. At Jim's direction, she wrote once a week and included the number of a public telephone in Clearwater and a time he should call.

On his end, Jim would put in a dime for the first two minutes. They would talk for hours. When the operator asked him to settle up, he'd take off. Free phone service.

On her end, Mary would loiter by the phone at the appointed hour, glancing about, certain it was the week the cavalry was coming to arrest her.

"I was so scared," she says, laughing. "I just thought it was normal. I see now it wasn't."

She always assumed he had her wait at different phones for her protection; now she's thinking it was his way of making sure she wrote him at least once a week.

March 30, 1963:

Eight years before Jim died

It's hardly something Mary brags about; she says she would have declined. But when the Jaycees called to recruit her for the Miss Clearwater competition, Mary's mother answered the phone.

"Oh, yeah," mom said, "she'll be happy to do it."

The third and final night of competition, more than 1,000 people packed Clearwater Municipal Auditorium. Five finalists matched "beauty, personality and poise."

Mary was looking good, not that Jim was thrilled. If she won, it was on to Miss Florida. Less time for him.

In her toreador outfit - tight-fitting green pants with red sequins down the sides from hip to ankle - Mary did the bossa nova, swirling a red and yellow satin cape. The Clearwater Sun called her performance a "house-stopper." Time for her big question: "If your husband grew a beard, what would you do?"

What a stupid question, she thought, and answered: "I'd let him grow it. Whether he would kiss me or not would be another matter."

She told the judges she was headed for college, torpedoing her chances because it meant she would not be available to fulfill all obligations of Miss Clearwater.

Sitting through other contestants' routines, Mary scanned the darkened hall until she spotted Jim, bored senseless. But there.

She got first runner-up.

1964-65, Los Angeles:

The breakup

Mary's father banned Jim from the Werbelow house. Mary won't say why; she doesn't want to add to the Morrison myth.

When she followed Jim to Tallahassee for a semester, her parents objected. When he started film school at UCLA and Mary announced she was following him to Los Angeles, they were devastated.

To bribe Mary to stay, her mother bought her an antique bedroom set, no competition for a 19-year-old following her heart.

Mary says Jim asked her to wear "something floaty" when she arrived in Los Angeles. "He wanted me to look like an angel coming off the plane."

Instead, she drove out a week early and surprised him.

Together again, in an exciting, intimidating city, they kept separate apartments. Mary got her first real job, in the office of a hospital X-ray department. Later, she donned a fringe skirt and boots as a go-go dancer at Gazzari's on the Sunset Strip.

Jim studied film. At the end of the year, a handful from among hundreds of student films were selected for public showing. Jim's was not among them.

Shortly after, Mary says, he told her he was humiliated, considered his formal education over and needed to forget everything. He built a fire in his back yard and incinerated many of his precious Florida notebooks.

Mary says he started doubting her commitment. "You're going to leave me," he would tell her.

"No, I'm not. How can you say that? I'm in love with you."

After one fight, Jim went out with another woman. He wasn't home the next morning. Mary went to the woman's house, but she said Jim wasn't there.

Mary called: "Come out wherever you are!"

Jim slinked forward, a hand towel around him. Mary bolted and, in a blur, hit the woman's fence as she sped off.

"That was the beginning of the end."

He was drinking hard and taking psychedelic drugs. The darkness she says she had seen from the start was overtaking him, and she didn't want to watch him explore his self-destructive bent. She felt he had swallowed her identity. Whatever he liked, she liked.

"I had to go out and see what parts of that were me. I just knew I had to be away from him. I needed to be by myself, to find my own identity."

She enrolled in art school. The day Jim helped her move to a new apartment, she told him she needed a break.

"He clammed up after that. I really hurt him. It hurts me to say that. I really hurt him."

They split up in the summer of 1965.

A few months later, Jim got together with a film school buddy, Ray Manzarek, who says he wanted to combine his keyboards with Jim's poetry. They started the band that became the Doors.

Friends from Clearwater never saw it coming. Back then, Jim didn't have much interest in music. He didn't even appear to have rhythm.

"He didn't sit around and sing," Mary says, laughing. "Jim, no, he was a poet. He wrote poetry."

By phone from his home in Northern California, Manzarek says all the guys in film school were in love with Mary. She was gorgeous, and sweet on top of that. "She was Jim's first love. She held a deep place in his soul."

The Doors' 11-minute ballad The End, Manzarek says, originally was "a short goodbye love song to Mary." (The famous oedipal parts were added later.)

This is the end, Beautiful friend

This is the end, My only friend, the end

Of our elaborate plans, the end

Of everything that stands, the end

No safety or surprise, the end

I'll never look into your eyes . . . again

. . .

This is the end, Beautiful friend

This is the end, My only friend, the end

It hurts to set you free

But you'll never follow me

The end of laughter and soft lies

The end of nights we tried to die

This is the end

* * *

Within two years of their breakup, Light My Fire was No. 1 on the charts and Jim was the "King of Orgasmic Rock," the brooding heartthrob staring from the covers of Rolling Stone and Life.

He took up with other women, notably with longtime companion Pamela Courson, but Mary says she and Jim kept up with each other. She says she was his anchor to the times before things got crazy.

"I'd see him when he really needed to talk to someone."

Before a photo shoot for the Doors' fourth album, she says Jim told her: "The first three albums are about you. Didn't you know that?"

She says she didn't have the heart to tell him she had never really listened to them. She had heard Doors songs on the radio, but she didn't go to his concerts, she didn't keep up with his career.

Mary vehemently denies it, but Manzarek says she told Jim, "The band is no good and you'll never make it." He says Mary wanted Jim to go back to school, get a master's degree and make something of himself.

When Mary moved, she says, Jim had a knack for finding her. He would eventually ask if she had changed her mind. "Why can't we be together now?"

Not yet, she would answer, someday.

More than once, she says, he asked her to marry.

"It was heartbreaking. I knew I wanted to be with him, but I couldn't."

She thought they were too young. She worried they might grow apart. She needed more time to explore her own identity.

In late 1968, Mary moved to India to study meditation. She never saw Jim again.

March 1, 1969, Miami:

Two years before Jim died

With the Doors coming for their first Florida concert, Chris Kallivokas left a message with his old friend's record company. He says Jim called him back, loving life.

"The chicks we get, the money. . . . It's great."

"So that crowd control works," Kallivokas teased, talking about theories that intrigued Jim in Collective Behavior class at FSU. He said Jim answered:

"You've got to make them believe you're doing them a favor by being onstage. The more abusive you are, the more they love it."

They planned a reunion in Clearwater.

* * *

Some 15,000 fans cram into the 10,000-capacity Dinner Key Auditorium, a sweaty, converted seaplane hangar in Miami. Jim Morrison announces his drunken presence with dissonant blasts from a harmonica.

The cover boy, 26 now, has a paunch and beard, a cowboy hat with a skull and crossbones and noticeably slurred speech.

One stanza into the second song, Five to One, he berates the crowd.

"You're all a bunch of f - - - - - - idiots!"

Confused silence. Uncomfortable laughter.

"Letting people tell you what you're gonna do, letting people push you around. How long you do think it's gonna last? . . .

"Maybe you like it. Maybe you like being pushed around. Maybe you love it. Maybe you love getting your face stuck in the s - - -."

Screams from the audience.

"You're all a bunch of slaves. . . .

"Letting everybody push you around. What are you gonna do about it? What are you gonna do about it? What are you gonna do about it? What are you gonna do about it? What are you gonna do about it? What are you gonna do! What are you gonna do! What are you gonna do!"

He talks as much as he sings. He wails about loneliness and rants about love. Three songs after berating the crowd, the music softens and he lets loose a plaintive:

"Away, away, away, away, in India

"Away, away, away, away in In-di-a

"Away, away, away, away in In-di-a."

* * *

Morrison invited the crowd onstage, and the concert disintegrated. Amid the chaos, he supposedly unzipped his pants, exposed himself and simulated sex with guitarist Robby Krieger.

With the country debating indecency run amok, Jim Morrison was Exhibit A. He was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, a felony, plus indecent exposure and two other misdemeanors.

The courtroom in Miami was packed. State witnesses saw what they saw. Others said it was hype, Morrison only simulated what he was accused of. There wasn't a single damning photo.

Bryan Gates hadn't seen Jim in ages. They caught up during a break, and talk inevitably turned to Mary. What ever happened to her? Gates asked. Jim said he had lost touch, California seemed to have swallowed her up psychically.

He was acquitted of the felony but convicted of indecent exposure. On Oct. 30, 1970, he was sentenced to six months of "confinement at hard labor" in the Dade County Jail.

Out on appeal, he moved to Paris, where he shared an apartment with Courson.

The Doors released L.A. Woman in April 1971, with hit songs Love Her Madly and Riders on the Storm. Months later, Jim Morrison was dead.

On July 3, 1971, Courson found him in the bathtub. The listed cause of death was heart attack; drugs were suspected. He was 27.

September 2005

34 years after Jim died

Mary is 61, unemployed and rarely leaves her mobile home. She says she married and divorced twice, and she has no children.

"I can't find anybody to replace Jim. We definitely have a soul connection so deep. I've never had anything like that again, and I don't expect I ever will."

She painted, mostly realistic oil portraits. She won a small legal settlement after she said she developed multiple chemical sensitivities from rat poison that seeped through the vents of her art studio over the years. It makes it difficult to be around scented products, and she gave up her art.

Mary would not meet with a reporter for this story or allow her photo to be taken. She says she weighs exactly what she did in high school - 107 pounds - but now her hair is long and gray. "People sometimes tell me I look like an artist."

She doesn't think the early Doors albums are all about her but says the lyrics include references to her and Jim's shared experiences, including the "blue bus" in The End. She considered writing about the references but decided against it. An artist herself, she didn't want to spoil people's various interpretations.

For decades, she says, she brooded over how things might have turned out had they stayed together but finally concluded it was destiny. "He was supposed to go into that deep, dark place."

His grave in Paris draws pilgrims from around the world, but not Mary. Quite the opposite, she says. She wants to forget, and still she feels his ghost checking on her.

Lines in Break on Through especially pain her, lines she interprets as Jim saying she betrayed him by not getting back together:

Arms that chain us

Eyes that lie

"I promised it wouldn't be forever, that I'd get back together with him sometime. I never did. It's very painful to think of that. For a long time, any time I would think about him, or anyone would talk about him, I'd cry.

"It used to make me so sad. I never gave him that second chance. That destroyed me for so long. I let him go and never gave him that second chance. I felt so guilty about that."

Mary says she is tired. She has trouble sleeping. She says she's not sure if she has done right by talking so much. She's worried that others will seek interviews that she does not want to give. She wants that made clear: She does not want to talk about Jim anymore.

- St. Petersburg Times researcher Caryn Baird contributed to this report.http://www.sptimes.com/2005/09/25/Doors/Mary_and_Jim_to_the_e.shtml

#Jim Morrison #Mary Werbelow

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stardusstt · 7 years ago

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1-10 😚

1. Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is. I am single at the moment, and i actually really love it. I like having time for me and my friends and not having to worry about a guy. I like having crushes on guys and not having to be like “uh oh i like this other guy a little whoops” maybe i just had a horrible demonic presence as a bf but idk lol.

2 .Where you’d like to be in 10 years. in ten years ill be 30 lmao and honestly don’t wanna think about that. but hopefully ill have a good job? lol i want to live in california

3. Your views on drugs and alcohol. i used to be a total stick in the ass (is that an expression) about drugs and alcohol, but now idc. I smoke weed socially and drink all the time. But like it opens your mind to other things, like i feel so much more comfortable with myself. I feel like i can talk freely about anything to anyone.

4. Your views on religion. since my dad died i haven’t been very religious, even before then we never went to church. It was just always a thing, like God is there. and I’m not blaming my beliefs on the fact that my dad died, i know it has no real correlation. religion has never played a huge role in my life, and when my dad died i feel like any of what i had got thrown out the window, i started making bad decisions and coped in all the wrong ways, but I’ve made it through that. I really don’t know what i believe in, but i will never push anyones beliefs away, I’m open to them, if that makes any bit of sense.

5. A time you thought about ending your own life. theres actually been quite a few times, mostly in my past. its funny i used to think i wanted to kill myself because my dad died, but now i realize it was what happened after that that made me feel that way. i mean i was already suffering from depression and then this kid keeps telling you “everyone dies, death is okay its okay to want to kill yourself or hurt yourself” and then manipulate me into doing promiscuous things in school (MIDDLE FUCKING SCHOOL) and make you give up the music you love because “you love them more than me, go suck his dick” (hmmm gladly) oh not to forget, calls you a slut and a whore for having a normal connection with a teacher, (mind you in front of said teacher). so yeah all those things drove me to want to kill myself, But recently any of the times I’ve felt that way, its been resolved rather quickly because now i have music in my life again, and music calms me more than anything.

6. Write 30 interesting facts about yourself. ohmygod this post is already soooo long lol, but honestly i really like getting my thoughts out like this no offense lol, even if no one reads it i still feel like I’m getting shit out in the open! 1.i lost my virginity when i was 13 2. i have two middle names; Patricia, Grace. . 3. the first celebrity i ever met was Bret Michaels 4. my favorite band is Guns N’ Roses and honestly don’t know what id do without that band in my life 5. i get angry really easily sometimes over the stupidest things 6. I’m into older men (if it wasn’t obvious to tell) 7. the day Prince died i had to leave school early because i was crying so much, and honestly have not gotten over it 8. ive been best friends w the most amazing bitch since 5th grade (thats like 10 years!!!) 9. i used to have a celeb crush on jim carrey lmao 10. ive never sang (like real singing) in front of anyone 11. i met slash at the milwaukee airport lol 12. i work at a party city and honestly with some of the greatest people i think ill ever meet 13. i have a bondage and daddy kink 14. i used to be a rebel without a cause, kind of a bitch and totally inappropriate at school 15. i had/ve a major crush on my high school teacher (who in my defense used to be a model for ralph lauren, and loved Poison sooooo uhhh) 16. i have major trust issues 17. i want to be a stripper 18. i love nascar and have since i was really little 19. i used to be terrified of tornadoes and even when it rained a little i would have a full on panic attack 20. I’m getting a pet snake FINALLY 21. i have at least 6 different styles in the way i dress 22. ive been obsessed with the 80s since i was like in 6th grade 23. i have a theory that David Bowie isn’t of Earth 24. I’ve had a paranormal experience 25. i love christmas 26. i go to a lot of concerts alone 27. i loved the song Darling Nikki so much when i was younger, my mom had to beg me not to tell people lmao 28. when i saw Poison live, i cried during Talk Dirty To Me lol 29. i love driving and listening to my music 30. i love marvel and the mcu, and its like one of the things I’m most passionate about (I’m a dork)

7. Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality. I’m a scorpio but since i was born on the 24th of october I’m a cusp w libra. I think that these signs reflect me very well, more so for scorpio obvi. but over time I’ve read that scorpios don’t really feel open about talking about certain things, they have trust issues, extremely sexual, jealous/possessive, they connect deeply… which are all things that really remind me of myself. I’ve been into astrology for as long as i can remember, so its a big deal to me lol.

8. A moment you felt the most satisfied with your life probably when i went to milwaukee, i did it alone, i paid for everything i went on a plane for the first time went to a hotel went in an uber lol all by myself. i really truly felt so amazing there, like nothing was stopping me and like if i can do this i can some day live in california on my own. its definitely one of the best things I’ve ever done in my life, not to mention, doing it all to see my favorite band from the fucking third row.

9. How you hope your future will be like i don’t like realistically thinking about the future, because i don’t really know what i want yet. but i guess i want to be in california with a steady income.

10. Discuss your first love and first kiss. my first love was Prince, when i listened to him it felt like i was hearing music for the first time, it was so unique to me. my first kiss was a drag tbh lol

thanks so much for asking dude, love ya! 💖💋

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songcfthcstars · 6 years ago

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*· ☆,.- {sarah shahi; cisfemale; pansexual} look who arrive in cedar grove it’s Jordan Shahani. she is 34 years old and an oc character from Supernatural. i heard that she can be headstrong, but she can also be impulsive. i hope she doesn’t cause too much trouble in this town.

From what she can remember, Jordan always had an ordinary life

Maybe no american-dream-life, seeing her family only consisted of her and her dad. But they had a nice house and Jordan even had a dog - a bulldog named Buster, who had always allowed Jordan to ride on his back when she had still been a little girl

Jordan's father was a good man. He was a cop all his life, working hard not only to protect the small town they were living in, but also to give Jordan a chance to go to university later. He didn't wanted her to become a cop as well, seeing it was a dangerous job usually, if you did not work in a small town like him.

Though, Jordan herself had other plans. Her father's work always fascinated her, and while she still respected his wish to find another job for herself, she started to work in a repair shop and a diner soon, instead of continuing to study. Jordan always had a good eye for photography, but found it pretty boring to take photos of weddings or babies or puppies all day (not to mention she does not have exactly a good hand when it comes to babies). She kept it as a hobby, though, taking pictures of the cars and bikes in the repair shop, and sometimes even of the costumers in the diner.

And, for a couple of years, that was her life. Until it turned around like 180 degrees. Jordan had started to date a guy who'd only moved into town recently from what he'd told her. He seemed to be interesting, and while Jordan was not naive and knew this guy maybe would move again soon, she still felt like flirting with him could be fun.It could have been.... if the guy would not have vanished all of the sudden. Not as in he had an accident. Or decided to move again without letting anyone know. He was just... gone. All his belongings were still in the small apartment he'd rented. Car keys. Money. His mobile phone. His ID. Even all this clothes and laptop.

Of course the police looked into the case. And, a couple of days later, a dead body was found. But it was not the guy Jordan had been dating. Thankfully? Maybe. But this dead man, a man from the town, looked like some sort of huge animal attacked him – huge scratch and bite marks everywhere on the body. There are wolves living in the woods around town, but they never ever attacked any of the inhabitants in the past.

The police was overwhelmed from what her father told her, and also had no clue what to do about a guy that left no hints about where he'd gone, or why. It would most likely end up as an unsolved case, unless a witness would magically pop up with some hints.

That was nothing Jordan was satisfied with. And she was also sure, that the police would have acted differently, would the missing person be an inhabitant of the town. But the guy had been a stranger, and in the eyes of the sherif it was either his own decision, or at least his own fault that he was gone now. So, since even her father was not able to change any opinions here, she decided it was onto herself to solve this case. After all, Jordan had watched her father often enough. She knew how it worked. She even knew some of her father's connections, who for sure would not say 'no' to her, would she ask them for a favour. It wqas no trauma, though. Sure, usually you do not see people vanish out of the blue every day. But, at least for Jordan, it was more that she was not willing to accept no one was worried enough to continue to search for this man.

This incident had been changing a lot. Jordan did quit her job at the diner and the repair shop and is still working as a private investigator today – against the will of her dad, who was angry first, but soon accepted that he could not change his daughter's mind here - and, even when the case about her missing date is still open, she didn't find out yet that a supernatural creature had been involved into it. She just has a whole notbook filled with hints and things she had been researching about the guy and his life and people involved into it. The only other thing she constantly worries about is finding a woman for her dad, seeing she does not want to die him alone. And Jordan knows, if he has no one to look after him, he will only eat junk food and forget all his appointments.

Her father has raised Jordan to be a confindent young woman, though, maybe because she was alone a lot thanks to his job, she also grew mature and independent earlier than other teenagers her age. Often, she was taking care of both the house and her dad, making sure he would eat and sleep enough and not forget any of his appointments. And Jordan tends to be pretty stubborn here.

While Jordan is clever, she is only spending time with things she is truly interested in, instead of things others (aka school for example) tell her to do. That, paired up with her rather loose tongue, often brought Jordan into trouble already. Her father has been trying, but at some point he had to accept that Jordan's will was strong, and that it would need something like an earthquake to change her opinions or decisions once they were made.

While Jordan had never really been a liar before, this was a trait she had learned to use in perfection whenever it was needed. The truth was not something that would always deliver the answers she needed, so playing different roles when talking to different people became her second nature after a while. Only to solve her cases, though. Jordan would never lie for personal achiements, ever. She can be blunt and sarcastic sometimes, a side she'developed when actually noticing how insane the world is outside of the nutshell that had been her hometown.

Additional information; The guy came to town with a friend, who turned out to be a werewolf and ended accidentally up turning the guy as well. The guy then killed the man from town after his first tranformation. Though, his friend went to a witch to ask for help changing the guy's face, so the two of them could leave the town again without getting into any trouble

The sheriff and the doctor observing the dead body did everything to hide the information that this case had been a werewolf attack, seeing things like this already happened in the past.

#cghq:intro #【☆】about Jordan ★ headcanon

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sejanashines · 6 years ago

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Come in! Come in! Searching YouTube for videos of what the houses looked like in South Korea was what we were most excited about when preparing for our move here. We appreciated every video that we were able to see so we could get an idea of what to expect. So, here’s our new home to add to the mix. Hope you like the video!! Keep reading through because after the video I write about making friends, the housing office process, money (rent & utilities), getting a realtor in Korea, and move-in day! We live in Area IV, Daegu, Korea – so our experiences detailed here could be especially helpful for anyone being stationed in (working in) Camp Walker, Camp Henry, Camp George, or Camp Carroll and living off-post. This post is especially geared towards the US military with dependents. Be sure to call and/or contact the agencies listed for any up- to- date information.

A few corrections from the video

Floor heating. The floor heating does not have GAS running all through the pipes under the entire floor but rather HOT WATER heated by the gas (not the electricity). I guess that was why I kept saying that over and over that it won’t greatly affect your electric bill when you turn on the heat. (My hub is worried about what the electric bill will cost us as he was briefed during the housing briefing that the electricity prices progressively increases once you reach a certain level of usage.)

Notice the progressive rate of tax for electricity costs in Daegu (formerly known as Taegu).

Water filter. You can leave on the water filter’s hot water switch if you want to. That is probably more convenient than turning it on and waiting for 20 minutes if you know you will use it. In fact, in order to save electricity (here we go again!) we used the gas stove to boil water and then we make our drinks. That lasted only one day. LOL. Now we turn on the switch and wait but I imagine that that waiting will get old pretty quickly and before you know it we will surely just leave the darn thing turned on!!

Trash. So right now, (in the video) we do have plastic trash bags hanging everywhere from the cabinets filled with sorted recyclable trash in it (in case you were wondering about that). I know that is so tacky! Remember, we are still moving in and will eventually find / or buy things to make this new place our home. I should have taken a photo before I asked my son to go and take out the trash to the recycling bins so you could really see what it was like! I’ll do another video about the trash recycling situation here later. If you have been stationed in Germany, you know about the recycling. In South Korea they have taken it to the next level as most things are sorted out (by you) and recycled! This is great for the environment and it really cuts down on your trash costs (as you only pay for what can’t be recycled). It will take some patience (and maybe some labeling) to make it easier on everyone to remember what goes where.

ACS Lending closet. Army Community Service (ACS) is currently located on Camp Henry, but eventually it will move to Camp Walker in the One Stop building. (Daegu falls under AreaIV of the Pacific area region.) Find a ride (or catch a cab) to transport the items you check out for your new home. You can borrow them for 30 days and can request an extension as well if needed. I provided my military ID and a copy of our orders (bring your lease as well, if you have it) to the ACS desk in order to use this service.

Realtor. I did mention in the video that we had a bad experience with (only) one of the 4 realtors we used when looking for a place, read below for details on realtors. Basically, as these realtors are showing you different places to rent, just know that you will be working with (or through) this person for the duration of your stay. Beware of any realtors who do not listen to what you want and refuse to let you leave their car because they want to show you “a great place that’s good for your family.” The first place they show you may be a misunderstanding but after the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th place you may decide like we did to just be happy to be allowed to leave and know that you will NEVER return this person’s phone call. Not ever. Never again. No matter how many times that they call you or your hotel. (Yikes!!)

“Smile everyone, this may be our last photo of us alive!”

First look inside our South Korean villa apartment home in Daegu near Camp Walker Area IV

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Make Friends

Situational. Yes so the kids and I caught a ride with a stranger* (*use your judgment people!) the second day we arrived here in Camp Walker, Daegu, because it was pouring and we needed to get back to the hotel. (It didn’t even occur to me that we could have had someone call an on-post taxi!) Thankfully, some woman offered my soaked children and I a ride and guess what? She lives in my neighborhood! The American community feels smaller because we are all in the same boat. (THANK YOU to helpful strangers!)

There are even signs on Camp Walker that encourages (validates) this! LOL

Intentional. At every post worldwide there is a PWOC (Protestant Women of the Chapel) (or something like it). Before I arrived, I found the one here and connected with them using Facebook (PWOC Area IV). I went there to meet people and to begin making connections. To me, the friendships we make in a new place help us to feel that we are home. Come look for me there, if you check it out! (We meet in the Camp Walker post chapel building.) Anyway, I almost forgot why I’m mentioning PWOC in the first place… oh, so I met a friend from my new Bible Study class who saw me coming out of housing on Camp Henry. My husband and I had just signed our lease. She sincerely asked us what we needed and so I said, “sheets”!! I’m so thankful that she helped us out by loaning us three sets of sheets, pillows AND blankets until our things arrive PLUS a ride to/from the ACS lending closet. (Our vehicle hasn’t arrived just yet!) (THANK YOU to our new friends!)

Old friends. The Lord helped us tremendously during our whirlwind move by providing two families we knew previously to move here first and answer many, many questions about life in Daegu. One family we were stationed with back in Baumholder, Germany and the other family we met at our last duty station in Fort Lee, Virginia. It is so good to see people we know happy here in this foreign land! I got to check out their apartments once we got here (they both live in two different high-rise apartments) which was helpful for me to have a better idea of what we could expect and what to look for when looking for our own place to live. (THANK YOU to our old friends! This world is so small like that.)

Military Housing office (Area IV)

If you are authorized to live off-post (if not, you will need to submit an exception to policy unless there is no space for you on-post), after you find a place housing will give you an inspection date and the lease signing date. They will NOT do this until you have attended their mandatory housing briefing (even if you have all the documentation in order and went ahead and found a place on your own that you’d like to rent). This was our experience. After the sponsor attends this required briefing, the necessary dates are then scheduled.

Housing inspection. During the inspection, the owner, the realtor, the housing inspector, and you will meet at the place you hope to rent. The inspector will look it over for any safety deficiencies and will provide the realtor a date that any repairs will need to be made by in order to proceed as scheduled. (For us, the carbon monoxide detector was malfunctioning and so they had until Sunday to fix it; our lease signing was scheduled for a Monday.)

Lease signing. You will have to sign in your realtor at the Camp Henry gate in order to obtain a visitor’s pass to bring your realtor and owner onto the base and escort them to the housing appointment. During the lease signing, the housing person will tell you your move in day (for us, it was 2 days later on a Wednesday). This is the day that your OHA begins (and you will need to check out of lodging as finance will not “double pay”) and your temporary housing furniture will be delivered.

Now that you’ve signed your lease you can contact the movers to schedule your Household Goods (HHG) and/or Unaccompanied Baggage (UB) delivery!

If you have school aged children, don’t forget to then go by the School Transportation Office to get new bus passes created with the new bus stops.

Housing furniture request. There is a limit on what you can borrow! I didn’t know this and so I requested away! Um, so we had to go right back there and complete a new form (this time using the correct form).

Incorrectly completed. Um, this is not a shopping spree woman!

Incorrectly completed vs correctly completed housing furniture request form.

Money, Money, Money, Money… MONEY!!

COLA. (Cost of Living Allowance.) Your COLA begins the day you arrive (sign-in) in country. You receive COLA twice a month; type in “KR045” into the Overseas COLA Calculator to see your rate here.

OHA. Rental Allowance starts on your move in date. You will only receive the amount of your rent listed on your lease UP TO the maximum amount of your rate. Type in “KR045” into the OHA Calculator to see your rate here. Your first payment will be for the prorated amount of rent (if this applies to you; it did for us as we moved in on the 24th so we paid 8 days for October), the following month of rent (November), a month of rent for the deposit (you can request this through Housing at your lease signing if you like but if so you are required to pay back all of it to Finance when you move) and any fees (for us it will be the one-time dryer “hook up fee” (35,000 KRW) and the water filter installation free (15,000 KRW). You (we) will pay any rent and utilities monthly in won through the realtor. Don’t forget to get your receipt stamped as proof! (I’ll update this in a few days after we make our initial payment if anything is different or I misunderstood anything.)

OHA. Recurring Maintenance Allowance / Utilities also starts at your move in date. You can keep (pocket) any leftover money from this amount, if there is any. Hopefully there will be something!! (I asked the realtor about the previous tenant costs; I will list the amounts paid for the month of August 2018 in orange for you to have a general idea of what your utility costs may look like.) The following are the Utilities that we are required to pay (for my home). These will all be paid through the realtor (along with the rent); be sure to get your receipt stamped! (You may be fortunate enough to have some of these utilities covered as a part of the rent but that needs to be worked out and identified on the lease.) Utilities covers the Maintenance Fee (which includes internet and cable) (230,000 KRW *this is by far the highest fee of all the places we have seen or heard about), electricity (138,850 KRW) (see above for progressive electricity chart), gas (heating & hot water) (17,530 KRW), cold water (11,000 KRW), the cost of buying special trash bags (5,000? KRW) (I’ll make a separate video explaining the trash), and water filters/cleaning (optional service) (15,000 KRW). (Adding up all the orange (previous tenant’s costs for August) it amounts to 417,380 KRW = $367.)

Money exchange. I know that we will need to pull out dollars and then convert it to Korean Won to pay the realtor, however, I haven’t used this process yet. I’ve heard lots of things and I don’t know which is better so I’ll just leave this at that for now and will edit this portion later. Let me know if you have any recommendations!

Realtors in Daegu, Korea

If you are looking for off-post housing in Korea, let me start by advising you with what everyone else told us- use several realtors. It’s not like the States where available places are listed on a MLS (Multiple Listing Service) that all the realtors have access to. No, instead, here each realtor has their own separate listings. There are lots of realtors (and realtor agencies). So the way it works is that the owner who wants their place rented goes through a realtor to get their property rented. Each realtor has their own specific apartments, villas, or homes (aka listings) to offer to you. (Now savvy realtors may work with other realtors to help you find what are looking for and then share the cut.) This is why you should check with different realtors because they have different listings.

However, whichever realtor you end up going with, just remember that THAT realtor is the person whom you will interact with during your entire stay, not just throughout the procurement of your new place. You will contact your realtor for any issues with your place and they will operate more as a property manager and a translator. They will be the go-between for you and the landlord / owner or between you and the “engineers” (‘everyone is known as an engineer here’ our sponsor jokingly told us) that need access to your place for any repairs. The realtor will also be the one you go to each month to pay your rent (if you pay month to month). (The civilian employees pay their rent and utilities up front for the entire year; some owners prefer this type of renter verses the month to month rent(er) as they can use that lump sum of cash for other things (and they might even get more money over all doing it that way). Military personnel will only be paid by finance the “month to month” monthly OHA – overseas housing allowance.) So, since you will interact with your realtor throughout your time here, it would behoove you to take notice of the type of service they offer to you, the level of communication you have with them as they show you around the different apartments, and if you feel like you can trust them to be there as later you may need them to help with repairs.

Do you have school aged children coming with you? You might want to think about the bus stop location if they will attend the DoDEA schools. We confirmed with the School Transportation Officer the distance from an apartment we were thinking about renting and the school bus stop (even though the realtor informed us where it will be). One place we found we really loved with a beautiful living room view of the mountain but discovered it was a 15 minute walk to the nearest school bus pick up location. That was a deal-breaker for us. Sigh.

In the end, we talked with 4 different realtors (different agencies) because we really wanted a 4 bedroom place (there were lots of 3 bedrooms available but not 4 bedrooms) that was near the subway and the bus stop. We thought about parking and most important for us was the distance to the base and the monthly rent (and the maintenance fee) amount. Know what you want and don’t be afraid to keep looking. Be open and honest with your realtor and they will work hard for you, if they want your business. I have found that if they can get you what you are looking for they will definitely try their best.

The villa we chose was shown to us by 대구 부동산 Daegu realtor Kevin from Okey Dokey Realty. We were connected to him through our sponsor who highly recommended him. He picked us up to take the kids and I on our second day in Daegu. I didn’t really like this place he showed us at first (which we now call home) so that is why we kept looking around at other places and through other realtors. I’m choosing to recommend our realtor, Kevin, with anyone that is looking for a realtor because he has consistently provided excellent customer service to us. He provided a map when we first met, took time to explain features and answer questions (no question is a stupid question with this guy), informed us up front for any fees and showed us proof or explanations when available. (I would definitely be skeptical if people are speaking in a different language around me and then spring on me that ‘I owe’ or ‘it costs such and such’; that has not been the case with my experience with Kevin.) Kevin responds quickly to texts or calls and is very organized by providing documents (in English) about basic things that he probably has gotten asked all the time by Americans when we come here. I like that he labeled items around the house that were in Korean, especially on our dishwasher and stove. He arranged for the water filter and the dryer hook ups to be completed on our move-in date without us even asking. There was a leak we discovered on our move-in date and when we showed him, he took video and sent pictures to the owner. He responded the next day that he contacted the engineer but that they were busy but then called the day after to see if we were available and it got fixed. Perhaps this is normal service here but after talking with our other friends whom we knew previously that also rent off-post, I’d say Kevin offers great service, his English is perfect and he is not pushy! (THANK YOU to our realtor for your great customer service! Hope it’s okay to include your info in my post!)

Move in day!

Check out of your hotel by the appropriate time. We were staying in Camp Walker Lodging. Take with you everything that’s yours. Befriend someone with a truck (our sponsor already has his ready) and transport your things to your new place! Maybe your ride will also even take you to the post Commissary so you can begin to fill your fridge and cabinets. (THANK YOU to our sponsor!!)

Our realtor came over a few hours later to help us change the locks (no one uses keys here it seems), show us how to properly operate everything, where to record the gas, water and electric usage, how to use the video doorbell, how to properly dispose of trash, how to set the floor heaters and welcomed the water guy and the dryer engineer. Whew!! (I can’t imagine this process going any smoother!)

On 8 September we turned in the keys to our rented home back in Virginia and now on 24 October we moved in and got to enjoy our first “we made it at home” meal courtesy of all the support we have received along the way. What a long journey!

Welcome home!

I hope this has been helpful for you. Let me know what else you’d like to see/read, maybe I can create it for you. Please take a look around and find more blogs like this here at https://sejanashines.com/.

If you are military, you might be interested in the Military Life category.

Take Care!

First look inside our South Korean villa apartment home & military off-post housing process Come in! Come in! Searching YouTube for videos of what the houses looked like in South Korea was what we were most excited about when preparing for our move here.

#areaIV #camp carroll #camp george #camp henry #camp walker #Daegu #faith #family #housing #Korea #learning #military #money #money management #pwoc #South Korea

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notchasingspace-blog · 8 years ago

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Written on 2/12/17:

It’s taken a lot to finally make this post. I think I just had really high expectations in my final reflection, something that closes this experiment beautifully and sums up everything that happened this year for me. But that’s a lot of pressure. Like telling myself If I dont write an eloquent and genuine final reflection this whole thing would be a waste. And the more I put it off, the more pressure I would put on myself to make it better. Oh well, this isn't going to be perfect but I was sick of that incomplete feeling. And I figured today is the last day I could make the excuse, because a year ago today I met Elijah. Thats one moment this past year that totally flipped my world upside down and it’s apparent through the posts.

Part of the reason for this experiment is based on that common feeling of “if I could tell myself then what I know now” or “I wonder what I was thinking in that moment” or “if I could go back and relive that”. I think about these things a lot, almost like there are different versions of myself, that are all me, but they don’t really know each other and they can’t communicate with one another. We are constantly changing and I don't even consider the person I was a week ago the person I am today, which is mind blowing and crazy. When I look back at these posts, I feel like I am looking at someone much younger, much more innocent and unaware. And thats not bad and its not for any specific reason other than I have been alive longer than that Kendra.

If I were to tell myself at the very beginning of this blog everything that happened and everything I am now, there would be some things that would be more surprising than others. If I were to tell myself that I fell in love and moved away from home with them and now spending my life with that person, I would have been very surprised I think. It was exactly what I was looking for in that time of my life, where I felt life was at a stand still and felt like life had a lack of the vibrance I had once seen, but also exactly what I was not looking for. I wanted to meet someone that opened my eyes to a new world, excited me and made me see the artist that I am, and make me fall in love with life again. I would be taken back to hear I moved out and put so much of myself into another person, scared of what that dependency would lead to and feel like that would be risking my heart too much. But I don't regret a thing. One thing I have grown to is the idea of taking chances and putting all of myself into something, whether I fall or fly, and that applies to love as well.

If I were to tell myself that I was able to completely support myself on filmmaking, I would be very happy, and pround, but I don't think surprised. I think I expect myself to succeed with the career path that I have chosen because I know if I ever leave any room for doubts I will undoubtedly break.

If I were to tell myself that I have all the same friends as I do now, I would say “well I would hope so!” but I realize how important that is to mention. I have such amazing friends and family and having a falling out with any of them is something hard to even think about. Now of course its hard, and it gets harder every year, to keep in touch and be as close as the year before, but I love all my friends and they love me and I hope there isn't ever anything to get in the way of that.

If I were to tell myself grandpapa passed away, now I’m not sure how I would respond. I think I would be sad. I might be relieved though, because there are some points that seemed like there was too much pain for him to be worth it. I would hope that he passed peacefully, and hope that grandmama was okay. He did, and she is. But she is sad, she lost her soul mate.

If I were to tell myself that Donald trump would be president, I probably would throw up, but then focus on the reasons why and try to hone in on what factors lead to that and how I can help. I think over this year I have become a lot more aware of what’s going on in the world, and feel empowered when listening to the news and talking about injustice in society rather than shutting down and being depressed. I like that change a lot. Feminist topics and racial inequality are some things that I have become very passionate about and I hope that doesn't fade after this election simmers down.

I feel like I am forgetting a lot, but I think thats just how it goes with this sort of stuff. Summing up your whole life in a year into one post is much less tangible than I expected, because I am a full human filled with millions of experiences and feelings and complexities. But for now, I think this is okay. I just would lastly like to reflect on my feelings of this blog. Although I didn't stay true to the end, and I fell out the last half of the year, reflecting on my life is something that really switches my mindset about the life I am living. I think experiences are great and feelings are an amazing part of being a human. But I think reflecting on those experiences and feelings truly is what can help you learn and grow. I realize that the last half of the year, when I didn't reflect, I felt more lost and inadequate. One of the feelings I dislike the most is not being able to understand the emotions going on inside and express them. I feel like a big ball of feelings that isn’t competent enough to speak for myself and explain whats going on in my brain. not only this, but I appreciate moments much less when I dont reflect on them. Even on the worst of days,I looked forward to getting my feelings out and soaking them in and understanding them. And now some of those bad days are my favorite posts on my blog. I think I missed so many opportunities of reflection when moving into the tiny house. That in itself is such an amazing experience to have, but I feel like it just sort of happened and I still havent fully processed that life change. I have pictures of this new life, I even now have a video and article about it. but I havent yet sat down, thought and wrote about this change and how it was effecting me as a person, which really is a shame. I’m not a good writer, and I dont try to be, but writing does do something for me that a lot of things can’t, and that is reassurance. Reassuring that what Im feeling is amazing and human and every experience- good or bad- is just one more thing to lead me on my path. Id like to continue- and maybe I will, but another version of it. Maybe this time Ill see through the end.

One last thing- I started this whole thing talking about Yeti. And I havent seen him in quite some time and think about him every once in a while, but looking over this past year, he has had a huge influence on who I am today whether I knew it or not. Im living in tiny house, living simply. Trying to eat local, organic, and in season. I try to keep the human connection more and spend a lot less time on the internet . Just... yeah.. there are a lot of things I can list... thank you Yeti.

And this concludes notchasingspace. catch ya later future kendra. <3

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